When it absolutely, positively, probably won’t be there tomorrow

FedEx sucks. Or, at least, they have this past week.

Thursday

1. Come home to find a hanger on the door that they tried to deliver a package requiring a signature (probably a wine shipment) and nobody was home. They’ll try again.

   So far, no problem.

Friday

1. Margie arranges to be home before 1 p.m. FedEx always delivers in the afternoon, but she makes sure there’s no hanger on the doorknob when she gets home. There is none.
2. There remains none all day. No FedEx arrives Friday, no hanger appears.

Monday

1. Margie is, again, home by 1 p.m.
2. Nobody shows up. No hanger appears (as it would if delivery had been attempted but the doorbell was on the fritz).
3. Margie checks out the online computer status of the order (based on the hanger we got on Thursday). It indicates that someone tried to deliver the package around 2, which seems patently false. It also indicates that someone tried to deliver on Friday, too, at a time that Margie can confirm by her IM logs that she was home.
4. Margie, miffed, calls the FedEx help desk.
   • The help desk person says the computer shows they’ve tried already 3 times, which Margie refutes.
   • The help desk person indicates they have until 7 to deliver the package. Margie notes that it already has a “we tried” flag on it on the online status.
   • The help desk person indicates they can pull the package aside so that Margie can come and pick it up. Margie notes, correctly, that we are paying to have it delivered to us, not to come drive down the tollway to the FedEx facility.
   • The help desk person asks when Margie will be home Tuesday. Margie, indicating her disgruntlement at having to be home again, indicates she’ll be home by 3:30p, and the help desk person says it will be delivered Tuesday after 3:45p.

Tuesday

1. No package arrives that afternoon.
2. Around 5, Margie checks out the online status page. It indicates the package is still at the warehouse, and was never taken out for delivery today, despite the promises of the help desk person the evening before.
3. At 6, Margie calls the help desk, quite irate.
   • The help desk gent goes through the same steps as above (we tried, can you come and pick it up, etc.),
   • The help desk gent admits that the help desk cannot dictate to the warehouse when/how they deliver, they can only suggest doing so, “flagging” the item with a note. Which, as we can see, doesn’t actually seem to do much. The help desk gent offers to do this again. Margie inquires how he expects this to do anything this time; “what will you use, harsh language?”
   • The help desk gent notes, carefully, that should Margie insist on talking to a manager, he would have no choice but to comply. She catches the drift, and asks for a manager.
   • The manager is paged. The manager either doesn’t respond, or is not available.
   • The help desk gent offers to transfer her to an “Advocate.” Margie agrees.
   • The Advocate goes through the same rigamarole. “But we’ve had three tries already.” Margie has to explain it all to the Advocate. Again.
   • The local Advocate offers to pull the package aside for Margie to pick up. Margie explains, once again, what she’s actually paying FedEx to do.
   • The Advocate offers to transfer her to the Englewood warehouse, where the package is, to talk to the manager there to get this sorted out. Margie agrees.
   • The night manager is not available, being involved in “the sort” until about 7:30p, at which time the manager, it is promised, will call back.

4. The depot night manager does not, in fact, call back.
5. At 8:30p (our Internet connection having conveniently gone down), Margie calls the only number she has, for the help desk.
   • Lather, rinse, repeat in explaining to a new help desk gent the situation. She assures the help desk person, yet again, that she does not wish to come and pick up the package.
   • Margie firmly indicates, again understandably quite frustrated, that she wants to speak (again) to a manager.
   • The help desk person indicates that the Englewood management is unavailable. She gets transferred to a manager at another related FedEx facility.
   • This manager (call her Suzie) handles the call well, makes many sympathetic noises, and seems actually inclined to help. Margie is fairly certain this means she’s reached a wrong number, but continues with the conversation anyway.
   • Suzie confirms that there is no manager at the Englewood facility at this point of the evening, the night manager having gone home. The day manager there will start at 5 a.m. Wednesday.
   • Suzie observes a note in the file that the Englewood Advocate had requested the local manager to call earlier that evening.
   • Suzie avers she will contact the day manager in Englewood directly by e-mail (bypassing “the system”). She will also be back on shift at 10 a.m. and will actually follow up to determine (a) why the package wasn’t delivered and (b) why Margie didn’t get a call back.
   • Suzie asserts that the day manager will, in fact, call her (Margie leaves her cell, her home phone, and her work phone), and will arrange a specific time to deliver the package.
   • Margie is actually pretty certain that Suzie will do these things, and ends the call with a thank you.

And that’s the current status. Will the day manager, actually call back? Will Suzie vanish and FedEx disavow all knowledge of her? Will the package be scheduled for delivery at our convenience, or will we have to quit our jobs and stay at home so that we can be there when someone claims they are going to drive past and glance at our house without slowing down and decide whether the package can be delivered? Does the shipment actually exist, or are we all tools in some Kafkaesque mind game?
Will Margie realize how incredibly lucky Dave feels that she’s willing to go through this nightmarish telephone tag? Will we contact the winery when all this is over and comment on the problem we had and suggest that if they don’t get a different shipping company we might drop our wine club subscription?

Stay tuned!