The Chicago Tribune is doing a goofy superhero-vs-superhero competition [1].
Imagine if the best superheroes of all-time got together for one giant showdown. It’d be a gut-wrenching, no-mercy melee.
You can stop dreaming. Welcome to RedEye’s “Best Superhero” tourney, which will run over the next few weeks and determine the best superhero ever.
Well, no, of course it won’t. But it may provide some entertainment. Readers get to vote, which will make it particularly goofy.
Note that the poll isn’t consistent about whether we’re talking about an arena match, remote assignments, or even just a subjective “who’s the best superhero?” popularity contest (which makes the inclusion of Catwoman problematic). I’m treating this as the first — two go in, one comes out.
So let’s see how I rate the first round, just for giggles.
STAN LEE REGION
- No. 1 Superman vs. No. 8 Mr. Fantastic — I have to give this one to Superman. Given time and equipment, Reed Richards could pull a Lex Luthor, but on a straight one-on-one, Richards has been defeated by far less uber characters than Superman.
- No. 4 Capt. America vs. No. 5 Capt. Marvel — We’re talking the Billy Batson Captain Marvel here, and I’m going to further posit it’s the “classic” flavor. In which case I’m going to have to go with Captain America (Steve Rogers) because (a) he’s a kick-ass warrior and (b) Billy would be way too nice to go all-out on him.
- No. 3 The Thing vs. No. 6 The Shadow — Sorry, a pair of .45s, nigh-invisibility, and a spooky laugh do not make up for a single sound-barrier-crashing clap of the hands. The Thing eventually wins, just because there’s nothing the Shadow can do to actually hurt him.
- No. 2 Wonder Woman vs. No. 7 Spawn — Not up enough on my Spawn to know the actual power levels being talked about here, but Diana has kicked mythological and demonic butt enough times that I’m not worried about Wonder Woman winning.
KEVIN SMITH REGION
- No. 1 Batman vs. No. 8 The Spirit — Nothing against Danny Colt, but Batman cleans his clock in about 15 seconds, tops.
- No. 4 Thor vs. No. 5 Buffy The Vamp. Slayer — While Buffy has taken on gods before, I really can’t see her taking down this one, once Thor made up his mind to actually hit a cute girl.
- No. 3 Silver Surfer vs. No. 6 Popeye — The Power Cosmic trump the Power Spinach. Sorry, Silver Surfer in about half a nanosecond Kirbyesque blasting, followed by several minutes of angsty regret.
- No. 2 The Flash vs. No. 7 Flash Gordon — Um … you do realize that Flash Gordon has no powers, is frequently knocked out and taken prisoner, and … um, Flash probably makes this the fastest victory.
NICOLAS CAGE REGION
- No. 1 Spider-Man vs. No. 8 Phoenix — From the picture, it looks like we’re talking classic green-suit Phoenix, so an incredibly powerful psi-teke vs. a guy who’s harder to hit and take down than a cockroach. I have to give it to Phoenix, but Spidey would make a hell of battle of it.
- No. 4 Black Panther vs. No. 5 Punisher — Frank Castle is tough, ruthless, and well-armed. The Panther is the same, only more on Captain America’s level. It would be a rollicking battle, but advantage to the Black Panther.
- No. 3 Green Lantern vs. No. 6 Green Arrow — I’m sure there is one circumstance or another where GA could take down GL, but not in anything resembling a stand-up fight. Green Lantern cleans his clock.
- No. 2 Iron Man vs. No. 7 Elektra — Iron Man should win this hands-down, but Elektra’s almost as wily and resourceful as Batman. I mean, she’s a freaking ninja (I’m counting this as her, not as a Skrull, mind you). And she’s a stone killer, which Tony Stark — who has way too high of an opinion of his technical superiority to take the match seriously until it’s far too late — is not. I have to give this to Elektra, the underdog.
ROSARIO DAWSON REGION
- No. 1 Wolverine vs. No. 8 Sub-Mariner — A battle with serious anger management issues. I’d probably give it to Wolverine after a looooong match, but we’re talking a major workout for that healing factor.
- No. 4 Hellboy vs. No. 5 Daredevil — Hellboy gets repeatedly kicked, batoned, punched, tripped, thrown, and then gets ticked off and clocks DD. Game over.
- No. 3 Hulk vs. No. 6 Aquaman — Arthur’s damned powerful, but Hulk, in nearly any incarnation, can take him, unless serious trickery is involved.
- No. 2 Catwoman vs. No. 7 Kitty Pryde — Ultimately, her only power (besides ninja training and picking up tips from Wolverine) is to become intangible. I’m going to give Catwoman this one, but it could go both ways.
I voted for each of these, which let me see the results to date (voting for this round ends on Friday). I’m with the majority on most, but by no means all, of the picks above.
(via DOF)
19 Comments To "Comic Book Battles"
#1 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 9:24am @ 9:24am
I can see no flows in your Arguements on this one.
Bonus points to The Hulk if Steve Rodges leans over and tells Bruce Banner that Arthur is eyeing Betty. =P
#2 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 9:31am @ 9:31am
Eeep!
Actually, I am going to have to go with The Spawn beating Wonder Woman. She doesn’t have a weapon that can beat him, so it would just be a slugfest that he would eventually win.
Now, Hawkgirl on the other hand…
#3 Comment By *** Dave On Tue 8-Jul-08 9:42am @ 9:42am
“HULK MAKE ANCHOVY PASTE OUT OF FISH MAN!”
Hmmm. Again, not up on my Spawn lore, but I’m assuming Diana hits the arena in full Amazonian armor and weaponry, some bit of which I’m sure can do something to the dude. Given all the mystic monster types she’s taken on, I’m pretty confident in her.
Or, heck, she ties him up in her Lariat of Truth and makes him blubber like a baby.
#4 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 10:12am @ 10:12am
=P
Yeppers, perfect Hulk-ism.
As to the Lasso of Truth, think of putting the Lasso of Truth around an angsty emo teen who is very aware of all their faults and is more than willing to talk to her about them. I think that would be the final fatal move and Diana would be begging him to either stop or for forgivness.
#5 Comment By *** Dave On Tue 8-Jul-08 10:21am @ 10:21am
Okay, how about “I like Wonder Woman better than Spawn and want her to win” as a rationale? 🙂
#6 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 10:29am @ 10:29am
I kinda picture Diana as Gabe after an hour or so of The Spawn being in the Lasso of Truth to be a lot like [3].
#7 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 10:32am @ 10:32am
Hehe, okay, that makes more sense Dave. 🙂
#8 Comment By Mary On Tue 8-Jul-08 10:43am @ 10:43am
How about Todd McFarlane is an arrogant guy with a huge chip on his shoulder who I like to see pummeled into next week if only vicariously through his character?
#9 Comment By *** Dave On Tue 8-Jul-08 10:46am @ 10:46am
Yeah, that works for me, too.
#10 Comment By Avocet On Tue 8-Jul-08 11:07am @ 11:07am
Wow. The Wonder Woman vs. Spawn battle is close. .2% isn’t a very big margin. WW could actually lose that one!
Thor vs. Buffy’s a bit close, as well.
I went with Spider-Man over Phoenix, and that’s the way the voting is going. I think he’d somehow convince Phoenix to stop fighting.
My vote for Black Panther over the Punisher doesn’t look like it’s going to help him win. 🙁
I’m with the majority choosing Iron Man over Elektra.
I chose Daredevil at least partly because I know nothing about Hellboy except that I hate Mignola’s artwork. 😉
Catwoman vs. Kitty Pryde was the toughest for me. I finally decided to go with Catwoman, unlike the majority of voters. 🙂
#11 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 11:11am @ 11:11am
Okay how about this:
Hawkgirl v The Swift
Midnighter v Batman
Jenny Sparks v Wonder Woman
Hyperian v Superman
—
The Engineer v Kitty Pride
Kev v Flash Gordan
Nighthawk v Nite-Owl
Rorschach v Apollo
—
The Hulk v Soloman Grundy
Emma Frost v Ozymandias
The Punisher v The Comedian
Doctor Manhattan v Doc Strange
—
Harly Quinn v Robin
Syndrome v Arthur
American Maid v Die Fledermaus
Thrakkorzog v The Chainsaw Vigilante
Discuss. 🙂
#12 Comment By *** Dave On Tue 8-Jul-08 11:52am @ 11:52am
Hawkgirl v The Swift – Swift kills her in three rounds.
Midnighter v Batman – Midnighter wins, too, though there’s a large margin for error there.
Jenny Sparks v Wonder Woman – Have to go with another Authority figure here, too.
Hyperian v Superman – Given that Hyperion was originally a Superman ripoff for a fun Avengers story, that’s kind of funny. I’d probably give it to Superman, just ’cause, but at those power levels, it all depends on the writer.
—
The Engineer v Kitty Pride – Um … the Engineer, I suspect.
Kev v Flash Gordan – Intentionally avoided the Kev.
Nighthawk v Nite-Owl – Nite-Owl is out before the end of the first round.
Rorschach v Apollo – Rorschach is a small, greasy blob on the sandy floor.
—
The Hulk v Soloman Grundy – Solomon Grundy is Dismembered on Tuesday.
Emma Frost v Ozymandias – Psi beats acrobatics … unless they decide to band together and rule the world.
The Punisher v The Comedian – You’re coming up with some very narrow matches. I’d give it to the Punisher, since the Comedian was basically just a thug without much to motivate him.
Doctor Manhattan v Doc Strange – Doctor Manhattan already knew how it was going to go before it happened, which probably gives him an advantage.
—
Harley Quinn v Robin – I’m sure we’ve seen this at some time. Depends on the narrative needs. Probably Robin, though. Harley doesn’t focus well.
Syndrome v Arthur – Arthur doesn’t even give the prototype Omnidroid v0.1 a workout.
American Maid v Die Fledermaus – Once she finally catches him, he’s batty toast. But I’ll buy the popcorn to watch.
Thrakkorzog v The Chainsaw Vigilante – Shirley could far too easily gum up the chainsaw’s works, leaving him pretty hopeless.
#13 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 12:02pm @ 12:02pm
Get Ready To Rumble!™©
DOF sent Dave a comic fight between Super Heroes (and yes, for some odd reason they included Flash Gordan (not “Super”) and Cat Woman (not a “Hero”) on the list). Now the “Fight” is really a poll driven popularity contest…
#14 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 12:07pm @ 12:07pm
On American Maid v Die Fledermaus I’ll buy you thr big tub and we can all enjoy it. 🙂
#15 Comment By Boulder Dude On Tue 8-Jul-08 2:02pm @ 2:02pm
True, Harley would need to have motivation to be focused, like having Mr. J bound to a chair hanging over a pit of DOOM, and if she defeated Robin she got to take him home.
#16 Comment By *** Dave On Tue 8-Jul-08 2:26pm @ 2:26pm
Harley’s tough, because she’s got that Drunken Master thing going. Turn your back on her after a pratfall and she’ll hit you in the head with a giant wooden mallet.
#17 Comment By Speed Force On Tue 8-Jul-08 8:01pm @ 8:01pm
The Flash vs. Flash Gordon: Vote!
The Chicago Tribune is running a Best Superhero Tourney, with readers voting for their favorites among a field of 32 super-heroes from various companies including DC, Marvel, Dark Horse and more. Among the matches in the “Kevin Smith Region:…
#18 Comment By Boulder Dude On Thu 24-Jul-08 1:33pm @ 1:33pm
Get Ready To Rumble!™©, Round Two, Electric Boogaloo
Yeah, my bad I spaced about this thread, so using what Dave said on his blog in comments, and Arty and me here, we move on to the next round (I am disappointed that Avo, Randy, Cephus and others did…
#19 Comment By *** Dave On Fri 25-Jul-08 4:52pm @ 4:52pm
Final results of the First Round:
* No. 1 Superman vs. No. 8 Mr. Fantastic — I voted Supes, as did the vast majority.
* No. 4 Capt. America vs. No. 5 Capt. Marvel — I voted for CA, as did the vast majority.
* No. 3 The Thing vs. No. 6 The Shadow — I voted the Thing, as did the vast majority.
* No. 2 Wonder Woman vs. No. 7 Spawn — Wonder Woman (my vote) narrow wins with 53% of the vote.
KEVIN SMITH REGION
* No. 1 Batman vs. No. 8 The Spirit — I voted for Batman. A near unanimity agrees.
* No. 4 Thor vs. No. 5 Buffy The Vamp. Slayer — I voted for Thor, but an extremely narrow 51% went with Buffy.
* No. 3 Silver Surfer vs. No. 6 Popeye — Remarkably, Popeye got 27% of the vote, but I and the majority picked SS.
* No. 2 The Flash vs. No. 7 Flash Gordon — I (and the Flash) comfortably win.
NICOLAS CAGE REGION
* No. 1 Spider-Man vs. No. 8 Phoenix — I lose, with 2/3 of the voters going for Spidey. It would doubtless be dramatic.
* No. 4 Black Panther vs. No. 5 Punisher — Over 60% went for the Punisher, not with my vote, BP.
* No. 3 Green Lantern vs. No. 6 Green Arrow — Yeah, I and the large majority went for the Ring-slinger.
* No. 2 Iron Man vs. No. 7 Elektra — Okay, she was my dark horse here (so to speak), and less than 9% agreed with my sneaky ninja possibilities.
ROSARIO DAWSON REGION
* No. 1 Wolverine vs. No. 8 Sub-Mariner — Wolverine wins with a much bigger margin than I’d give him.
* No. 4 Hellboy vs. No. 5 Daredevil — I lose. DD barely squeaks by with 51%.
* No. 3 Hulk vs. No. 6 Aquaman — Aquaman gets no respect, including from me.
* No. 2 Catwoman vs. No. 7 Kitty Pryde — Well, I thought it would be Catwoman, but most folks went for Kitty.
So my betting tally in this round was 10 out of 16 with the majority. Feh. On to the next round.