NOBODY EXPECTS … Bryan Fischer to be a Dolt!

Actually …

I suppose, Bryan, that it makes sense to you that if All Muslims are Evil Terrorists Out to Destroy Our Culture and Pollute Our Precious Bodily Fluids, then we should simply require that all Muslims who are seeking to immigrate to this country should convert away from Islam — preferably to being “good” Christians, of course.  (It’s unclear, Bryan, whether converting to being “bad” Christians, like, say, Episcopalians, would be acceptable to you.).  Let’s roll that transcript …

Allowing Muslims to immigrate into the United States, a Christian nation by origin, history and tradition, without insisting that they drop their allegiance to Allah, Muhammad, the Qur’an, and sharia law, is to commit cultural suicide.

I think they used to say that about Catholics, too, Bryan.  I mean, those mackerel-smackers need to drop their allegiance to the Pope, all those idolatrous saints, those extra books in the Bible, those crafty Jesuits, and become good Americans like the rest of us Protestants!  Look at how many troubles those drunken Irish and swarthy Eye-talians cause and lazy Mexicans cause!  Go Team Reformation!

We believe in freedom of religion for Muslims like we do for everybody else.

Except that we don’t want them to be free around us with it.  So, similarly, folks are free to exercise their freedom of speech, but only if they move to another country that doesn’t mind the ideas they espouse.  That’s … an interesting definition of freedom, Bryan.

But if they insist on clinging to their religion, they will need to exercise their freedom of religion in a Muslim country which shares their values: death for those who leave Islam, the beating of wives by their husbands, and the labeling of Jews as apes and pigs.

I’ll suggest that (a) death for those who were of the wrong Christian sect is a value that Christians held for many, many centuries (see: Europe).  (b) Beating of wives by husbands is explicitly defended as a Christian, Bible-based, Family Value by some ostensible Christians in this country. (Others, gentler souls simply say that women should stay at home to cook and push out babies, and that there’s no such thing as rape by husband of wife.). And (c) while not many Christians call Jews “apes and pigs,” there are still far too many of them who consider Jews as swarthy hook-nosed bankers and Christ-killers out to take over the world. And there are plenty of Christians who seem willing to label Muslims as demon-worshipers and terrorists. Does that make Muslims the new Jews?

(Wow, I think I just offended three different religions with that one.)

I’ll also note, on (a) and (b) that there are civil laws in the US against both, and no sign that the Evil Muslim Community in Our Midst has any desire to get rid of same.  Heck, maybe some of them are here because they want to be away from national cultures that allow or promote such things.

Immigration is a privilege, not a right, and our policy should be to admit to our shores only those with a commitment to a full assimilation to American culture, adopting our faith, our heroes, and our history. Someone with a Muslim background who wants to become an American had best be prepared to drop his Islam and his Qur’an at Ellis Island.

I’m sure you’re speaking metaphorically, Bryan, since you’re probably aware that immigrants aren’t processed at Ellis Island any more.

But, then, what kind of drugs are you on, Bryan?  A commitment to “full assimilation to American culture, adopting our faith, our heroes, and our history” is something we’ve asked of nobody who’s come here, even folks we really didn’t want, like said Irish, or those Mediterranean types, or Jews, or Japanese, or Chinese.

We ask them to be productive members of society.  We ask them to obey the law.  And that’s all we should ask them to do.

Besides, Bryan, if all Muslims are really fiends out to destroy us — aren’t they going to be willing to lie about it?  I mean, it’s not like they already declare their intent to destroy American when they arrive.  They’re all fiendish liars who will pretend to drop their demonic, anti-American not-a-real-religion at the drop of a hat.

And you know what that means, Bryan — we need to have, oh, let’s say special police forces looking for Secret Muslims.  To solicit input from the Neighborhood Watch, looking for Muslims who say they’ve converted  but who really practice their faith underground, in basements and behind closed doors, perhaps even in catacombs.

Yeah, we need a special group of police, maybe led by good (Christian) religious examiners, who would follow up on leads about suspicious activities, arrest people who weren’t obviously pious enough about being Christian (and worshiping Washington and Lincoln and Chuck Norris and other True American Heroes).

We could call it … the American Inquisition.

That’s catchy!  Nobody would expect them!  Their greatest weapons would be fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Ronald Reagan, and nice red uniforms …

After all, that’s what the Spanish and Portuguese Inquisitions were about: after the Reconquista of Spain, tracking down Moors / Muslims who hadn’t converted to the True Faith.  And Jews, of course, too.  And if there were other heresies to be found — well, heck, two birds, one stoning, right?

So we can set up an American Inquisition.  And once some crypto-Muslims are tracked down, if they refuse to admit that they really are still Muslims and praying five times a day toward Mecca — well, there’s always waterboarding to get it out of them.  And if that doesn’t work, or if they admit it and refuse to rat out the rest of their cell …

Auto-de-fé, anyone?

Moving right along …

…

So ancient Israel offers a paradigm of what a sensible and sane immigration policy looks like.

Sorry, Bryan, was that before or after they slaughtered the Canaanites that were already in the land?

It’s simple: don’t break the law (that is, come in through the front door instead of breaking in through a window), …

Certainly I prefer legal immigration, and law-abiding immigrants.

… convert to Christianity, …

Jews, too?  Hindus? Buddhists?  How about folks who don’t believe in anything?  And what brand of Christianity?  Not to keep harping in the Catholic thing, but do they count? How about hypothetical Mormon immigrants?

Of course, it makes no sense to allow allow immigration of folks willing to become Christian, if you already have non-Christians in the country.  So I suppose we need to demand that all Americans convert, too.

Better break out those red uniforms again …

… fully assimilate (become an authentic American, not a hyphenated American), …

How nice of you to decide, Bryan, not only who is a true Christian, but a true American, too. Will there be a test?

… and support yourself.

The poor you will always have with you … unless you keep ’em out of the country?

I’m not 100% solid on US immigration policy, but I believe we already require someone to have a job offer or a family willing to support them.

If you commit to those things, you are welcome here. If you don’t or won’t, perhaps it’s best for you to stay home.

Gee, do the rest of us get to vote on who to kick out (and keep out) of the country, too, Bryan?  Especially if we think that that such people are dangerous to our culture, and hold radical religious beliefs that can only end in tragedy for those who are around them or who listen to them and are sucked into their destructive ideologies?   Because I can think of a few …

Let me know, Bryan.  I have a lovely red suit …