Category: Big Business

Why I won’t be going back to that KFC for lunch again.

Strike 1: A bad mid-block position exacerbated by a stunning lack of easily discernable signs as to where to turn in for the drive-thru.

Strike 2: A very badly designed drive-thru menu. Do they have sandwiches? They’re supposed to. Is that a sandwich? Which item is that? Huh? What? Strips are that price — then why is there another price marked “Chicken” next to it — what other sort of strips do they have?

Strike 3: Starting out the drive-thru greeting with a twenty-second suggestive sale for the special of the day. Not just “Would you like fries with that?” but “Thank for coming. Our special today is blah blah blah, with blah blah blah, blah blah, and blah blah blah, all of only …” On the bright side, it let me get past the problems in Strike 2.

Strike 4: Not giving me a total at the drive-thru menu. That’s SOP everywhere, these days.

Strike 5: Badly designed credit card process, such that the person in front of me was at the window for a couple of minutes, easy, handing the clipboard back and forth.

Strike 6: Forgetting what sort of drink I wanted.

Strike 7: Forgetting that I wanted the sandwich without tomato.

Strike 8: Packing the fries into the bag such that removing anything else from it upends them into the bottom of the bag.

Strike 9: Packaging the sandwich with shredded lettuce such that when I unwrapped it, it sprayed a confetti of lettuce all over me.

A pity, since the food was pretty good, and reasonably priced. But, damn, all the meta-issues around the food were a pain in the butt.

Driving home from work yesterday, NPR trumpeted a headline — “Multimillion dollar contract in Iraq awarded to an engineering firm with ties to the Bush administration!” What vile, new perfidy could this be.

The story went on to describe how a major infrastructure contract had been awarded — via so-called “bid” among a pitifully small (only six!) firms — to some never-heard-of-before doubtless-a-corrupt-shell firm called … um, let’s see, Bechtel. What the hell makes anyone think that a podunk company like that can do engineering and construction? What makes anyone believe some fly-by-night operation like them might have Middle East experience? Sheesh!

The other phony firms up for the bid — Fluor, Parsons, Louis Berger Group, Halliburton and Washington Group International — are all, of course, a bunch of phony-baloney shell corporations, too.

And, of course, it’s all a big profit-making sceme by the Bush Administration. After all, the company is clearly in bed with all the Bushies. Why … um, why, ah, well … Bechtel has (oooooooh!) “close ties” to the Republicans!

George Shultz, a crook if ever one was born, and who worked for Dubya — er, um, for the previous two Republican Administrations (but you know they’re all crooks in on it together) is on Bechtel’s board of directors! Gads! Of course, he’s also on the boards of Fremont Group, Gilead Sciences, Unext.com, and Charles Schwab & Co. — I guess it was too implausible to give Charles Schwab the reconstruction “bid.”

Riley Bechtel, CEO of Bechtel, is a member of the president’s Export Council, a White House trade advisory group — expect future hotel construction bids to be “won” by Marriott, all computers bought by the Iraqi puppet government to be Dells, and all future shipping to Iraq to be by UPS, too.

Jack Sheehan, a Bechtel senior vice president, has sat on the Pentagon’s Defense Policy Board. And, of course, he served 35 years in the Marines, as well as serving as NATO Supreme Allied Commander Atlantic and Commander in Chief U.S. Atlantic Command. See? Even the Marines were bought off through this contract! Besides, we all know those Silver Star and Purple Heart winners can’t be trusted to do what’s right and honorable, even if he did get medals from Portugal, Norway, the Nethlands and (diabolically clever!) France.

And Bechtel contributed $1.3 million to political campaigns from 1999 through 2002, according to the Center for Responsive Politics. Never mind that it was contributed to both Republicans and Democrats — it’s all clearly a Bush conspiracy!

And, of course, this contract is just an easy way by Bushy fat cats to gorge at the public trough, unwatched — it’s not like they’re going to subcontract out any of the work, or pay any salaries, or, heck, even do anything. And it’s not like Congress will be able to oversee … um, well, yeah, Congress has to approve monies after the initial $34.6MM, but … uh … well, that’s still a lot of money!

The shame! The shame!

Okay, so not only was “shock and awe” an awful term, but, in reality, it was a war strategy that was not used (at least not as popularly understood).

That isn’t stopping companies a-plenty from trying to cash in on the term , — especially if they can keep others from doing so.

One day after the start of Gulf War II, Sony rushed to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office in an attempt to register the phrase “Shock and Awe.” The electronics giant is planning to use the term as the title to a new, combat-themed video game.
Sony is one of 15 businesses that are trying to own the “Shock and Awe” phrase. A Texas pesticide company, an Ohio fireworks firm, a California t-shirt designer, and a New York maker of beer mugs and decorative plates all have filed applications.
The worst may be a Mansfield, Texas man who wants to control the “Shock and Awe” term, whether it’s used to name “inflatable bath toys,” “aftermarket automobile products,” “alcoholic beverages,” “smoking jackets,” or “television programming.”

And, in case you’re wondering, the domain name is locked up, too (and has been since January).

Next up: “Blitzkrieg Beer,” “Saturation Bombing Undergarments,” “Penetration in Depth Condoms,” and “Suppressive Fire Extra-Spicy Nacho Cheese Chips.”

(via BoingBoing)

Not to be outdone by UPS, BT is changing its logo, too. Gone will be the last image of the “piper,” which conjured up something classic, magic, out of the ordinary. In its place will be the “connected world,” a swirly, 3-D set of color blobs.

Yeah. Memorable.

BT said its new look “reflects the wide range of activities that BT now encompasses”.
“It represents BT as being in-tune with the multi-media age as well as communicating the company’s international reach,” the group said in a statement.

Somebody’s been reading too much Dilbert.

I have the strangest feeling that, in twenty or thirty years, this sort of logo razing will be seen with the same aesthetic horror that the tearing down old buildings in the 60s and 70s — to be replaced by soulless concrete-and-mirrored-glass monstrosities, now, in turn, being torn down — is viewed with today. In an increasingly visual world, logos are valuable thought property, and discarding them (as opposed to updating, let alone embracing, them) is like changing your name from something meaningful, like Acme Sewing Machines, to something that’s meaningless flash, like Axcelgrix!

Come to think of it, plenty of companies have been doing that, too.

Adam laments the gratuitous (if that’s the right word for something that cost them $20MM) change in the UPS logo from a simple, straightforward design to something that’s all 3D and swooshy.

I don’t think the new logo is all that bad, but I think it’s pretty trivial next to the old one. Though I guess nobody uses twine any more, either.

Here’s a long but entertaining article on The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business of 2002. A few highlights:

Panic in the heartland, part 1: The crisis begins.
Outside a Wal-Mart (WMT) in the small town of Geneseo, Ill., a 73-year-old woman buys a newspaper and suddenly finds herself trapped when the door of the news rack slips closed and catches her coat. Unable to wriggle out, she solicits a bystander to enter the Wal-Mart and ask for help. A Wal-Mart employee comes out to explain that she can’t assist, citing a policy against tampering with the news rack.
Panic in the heartland, part 2: The tense negotiation.
After going back inside for a moment, the Wal-Mart employee comes out and tells the trapped woman that she’ll call the newspaper and have a representative come to release her. The woman suggests an alternative solution: Somebody could simply put two quarters in the machine and open the damn door. The Wal-Mart employee rejects this out of hand, explaining that the store can’t pay refunds for the news rack.
Panic in the heartland, part 3: The sweet taste of liberation.
Eventually the employee relents and puts two quarters in the machine. Later the liberated woman’s daughter visits the store and gives her a $5 bill to be used strictly to finance future releases. A Wal-Mart corporate spokesperson apologizes for the incident, saying, “This is not how we do business.”

Although #67 is pretty funny, too.

Those special memories that last forever.
In May, a day after the announcement of possible terror threats involving light aircraft, charter-plane company Wings Aloft flies a Cessna over Seattle to spread the ashes of a Mariners fan over the roof of Safeco Field. Instead of the elegiac dusting that was intended, the container detaches from the Cessna, smashes onto the stadium’s roof, and bursts into a powdery cloud that prompts the mobilization of a haz-mat team.

(via BoingBoing)

The FTC is moving to block the acquisition of Dreyers by Nestle, for fear that it would stifle competition in the gourmet ice cream market and raise prices.

You go, guys!

I hadn’t realized before I read the article that this would have reduced the top sellers of super-premium ice cream from three to two:

Nestle markets the Haagen Dazs brand while Dreyer’s brands include Dreamery, Godiva and Starbucks ice creams.
Unilever markets Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
Together the three companies account for about 98 percent of gourmet ice cream sales, the FTC said.

Monopolistic bastards …

Landry’s Restaurants, best known for their seafood, has just bought Denver’s Ocean Journey aquarium.

Well, now we’ll know what happens to fish that don’t draw enough visitors …

Palmolive has come out with “Aromatherapy” Dish Soap.

So not only does it stink, but it stinks in an all-permeating fashion.

Joy.

After watching the Superbowl this evening, I have come to the following conclusion:

The entire Cadillac product line is butt ugly.

Just like the auto industry, the pharmaceutical companies are having problems coming up with new drug names. No longer is it adequate to coin something that sounds like shorthand for the constituent chemicals (pseudephidrine becoming “Sudafed,” for example). Now we have branding companies being paid big bucks to come up with eliciting names such as “Viagra.”

Names mean things.

The nomenclature dilemma for automobile manufacturers: what do you do when all the good names have been taken?

Though, frankly, I think the Dodge Kahuna sounds like fun.

As noted in the past, I eat pretty regularly at the Tokyo Joe’s across the street (sorry, Jackie). And, as noted then, I’m known there as The Guy Who Comes in Every Day and Stands in Line Reading a Book the Whole Way.

When the New Boss came out, we stopped by there for lunch. Ditto the following week, when the New Boss and another fellow visited the office. Made up a bit for dinner. But the New Boss liked it, which was kind of nice.

The drink cups all have the Founder/President Larry Leith’s e-mail on them. So last month I sent Larry an e-mail, complimenting them on their food and on their good service and friendly staff. I’ve done the opposite in the past (sent nastygrams to places I had a beef with), so I thought I owed it to folks who were giving me what I wanted a kudo or two.

So today I go in, the first time in weeks (holidays etc. being what they are), and the gal at the register, who I recognize, asked me, “Did you send us an e-mail?”

I was startled for a second, then replied, “Well, I sent [refers to cup] Larry one.”

She smiled. “Yeah. He put it up on the board and thanked us for it. It was really cool. Thanks.”

Y’know, it feels good to make people happy. Especially when they deserve it.

Micro$oft, having been hit with a slap on the wrist in the DoJ battle, is not out of the woods yet. Waiting in the wings are various civil suits which build on the findings of fact from the DoJ case. Judge Jackson determined that, by cracky, M$ was acting as a monopoly and had done some bad things thereby. The DoJ could get all squishy on them because their emphasis was on how to keep M$ from doing bad things any more. But Sun, Netscape, et al., are out for blood damages from those bad things, and want to be able to take them as proven in court.

Which explains why M$ sought to have 395 of Jackson’s 412 findings of fact summarily thrown out or reopened or otherwise debated into the ground. And why they’re sorely disappointed that a federal judge has said, nope. And why M$ instead plans to appeal them individually (and, doubtless, indefinitely) …

My department went over to a local On the Border restaurant across the street a few weeks back. OTB is a mid-range Mexican food chain. There’s one near our house, and we’ve gone there on a monthly basis or so for a while.

Over the past several months, though, I’ve felt like the quality was slipping. Service was slow, food portions were smaller, etc. Yeah, they’re redecorating (woo-frickin-hoo), but the dining experience was deteriorating. Which is a shame, because the food has generally been good and the prices reasonable.

So during our meal, the waitress took way too long to get to taking our orders; it took way, way too long for the food to arrive; the portions were tiny; not everyone who was supposed to get tortillas got them (and it took forever to get them when asked), and so forth.

Meanwhile, a guy at an adjoining table got up and let after twenty minutes because his order hadn’t been taken.

So I complained. I went to their web site and bitched about it.

Funny Thing 1: I got a response from a “Managing Partner” at the one near my office.

Thank-you so much for taking the time to bring this matter to our attention. We at On The Border strive to make all of our guests visits exceptional. We cannot improve unless we continually collect and act on feedback. We sincerely want to keep you as a customer. I will be mailing some ‘Be Our Guest’ coupons to invite you and your guests back in. We look forward to serving you and please, introduce yourself to a manager so that we may ensure that your visit is an outstanding one.

Okay, well, I’m willing to give it another try. Especially if you bribe me to.

Funny Thing 2: I mentioned this to my department mates. One of them, who I hired about five years back from managing a local restaurant, replied:

I was wondering if anyone else had noticed! I fired that waitress from the Spaghetti Factory 7 years ago!

What goes around, comes around.

I’m sorely disappointed in the U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly’s decision on Friday to give Micro$oft a DoJ-blessed slap on the wrist. I fear this case will have a profound negative influence on other anti-trust cases in the future, both in terms of M$ getting away with everything short of murder, and companies learning that if they just hold out, they’ll eventually get an Administration in Washington that doesn’t want to press on with such a suit.

While the more I read about the EU, the more I think their regulatory system is an unholy mess, I do hold out some hope that they might feebly crack a whip at M$. It won’t necessarily affect how things go here, but — well, if there’s one hegemony the world should be afraid of, it’s not located in Washington, DC, it’s located in Washington, Redmond.

Telemarketers use a script to move you through the conversation the way they want. Now you can have a script, too.

(via Blather)

The company I bought a case for my new cell phone from, wpscellular.com, is …

… well, when the wrong case arrived last Monday, I went to their site to get their customer service phone number. I was greeted by a message saying they were closed until Thursday. Since that Monday was Canadian Thanksgiving, I thought they might be Canadian. They’re not.

So, since I was out of town Thursday, and tied up Friday, I called them this morning. Many, many rings later, I hung up.

And went to their site, where I’m informed that their phones “are closed” until Wednesday, but that their web site is open for orders.

Uh-huh. Sure.

They did get me my shipment quickly, to be sure, but I’m not feeling too confident about this particular firm.

We ordered our sprinklers blown by company ABC.

Joe-Bob arrived for the appointment. He was indeed the person assigned, since they called me on the phone to report that he was outside, since I’d not answered the doorbell because I was putting Katherine down for a nap. I also didn’t answer the phone, but, fortunately, listened to it first thing on getting downstairs, so that I could go racing out the door and grab him just as he was starting his motor. But I digress.

Joe-Bob did the deed with a smile, then, after I’d written the check for company ABC, said, “Let me give you a sticker, too, so you remember us next year.” Well, that’s fine, and, since we were dumping the last company we used, I wanted to be sure and get that sort of reminder.

He handed me a pair of stickers for company XYZ, which I didn’t notice until I got inside.

ABC and XYZ have different phone numbers, though both are in the Yellow Pages. ABC’s address is not there, so I don’t know if they are the same companies or not.

So, was Joe-Bob really working for XYZ, or does he have XYZ as his own personal sidelight, and was doing contract work for ABC, and this is his way to drum up more business?

Should I report him to ABC for trying to drum up business for a competitor? Might have been innocent (if XYZ is really ABC under a different name). Or he might do contract work for both firms, and just handed out the wrong sticker.

Should I use XYZ in the future instead of ABC? The quality of the job was only fair (but adequate), but the cost was higher than I was used to. But the price might have been set by ABC (and even the quality, though that’s less likely).

To Whom It May Concern —

Love your customer service personnel. Your handling of our mortgage re-fi was as painless as possible. You even have, as I recall, a nicely done web page for reviewing customer information.

Just one thing.

If you have, as part of your site login process a web page message, “We are unable to complete this request. Please contact Safeway Select Bank Customer Support at 1-877-123-4567 (Ref. # 118),” it would be extraordinarily convenient if calling that number led to any menu option that (a) resembled “For web page problems, press 3” or, failing that, “To speak to a real, live, actual person who has more than three menu options in their brain, press 0.”

Yeah, that’d be the ticket. Might even help me solve my frickin’ problem.

Sincerely,
Your Customer