Which makes talking about how to prevent rape difficult, because nobody wants to be seen as a rapist, or as a rape victim, or as blaming the victim, or as shirking personal / group responsibility for the matter.
A huge barrier is how we think of rape and rapists: as the stranger lurking in an alleyway who grabs a woman off the street and sexually assaults her. And, yes, that happens.
But there's also rape and sexual assault that takes place when, in a social setting with people the victim knows, sexual activity taking place without consent. That is, by definition, rape. And those are the settings that become the most emotionally charged and socially / culturally controversial (cf. the Steubenville rape case so much in the news of late).
One of the unfortunate conflicts that has come out of all of this has been a lot of finger-pointing over whom we should be teaching/counseling to avoid a rape situation. And the the bottom line, as far as I'm concerned, is that everyone needs to be trained to act responsibly.
So, yeah, if you are a potential victim (traditionally, but not necessarily, a woman), there are things that, yes, you should do (or not do) to avoid getting yourself into a situation where you may be assaulted. That doesn't mean that if it happens, you are to blame (a too frequent phenomenon in our society), but just like we lock our doors when we leave the house, or don't leave valuables sitting around in plain sight at the office, or park our cars on dubious and poorly-lit streets in bad parts of town, or wander around as an obvious tourist with your wallet fat and sticking out of your back pocket … so, too, in an imperfect world, people should take precautions to avoid being a victim.
But … BUT … by the same token, the potential victimizers need training, education, awareness and consciousness-raising, too. Yeah, the drooling sociopath in the alley isn't going to be affected by public awareness campaigns. But the college kid (or high school kid) at the party, the person helping a drunk friend back home — these people need to be reminded (because, clearly, not all of them have been taught it in our society) that No Means No and lack of clear, competent consent mean No, too.
Acknowledging that doesn't mean we're saying all men are rapists. It means that some men might not fully understand what rape really is. So let's tell them and teach them, for everyone's benefit, including theirs.
And, remarkably, when you do that sort of teaching, it seems to have an effect on rape and sexual assaults. As this article details about a one-off program in one Canadian city that had a remarkable effect in a very short time.
Rape Prevention Aimed At Rapists Does Work: The “Don’t Be That Guy” Campaign
Content alert (obviously): rape, rape apology, victim-blaming “Sure, in a perfect world, you could aim rape prevention efforts at potential rapists. But that’s never going to work. Rapists are soci……
Kids was one movie that depicts how rape probably happens the majority of the time in our society. And I'm not sure it did a good job showing how evil it is. Otherwise, in my mind it is still depicted more as the evil alley guy.
A friend of mine posted something about educating women on how not to be raped. It was one of those thing where "someone" polled some rapists in prison and asked what they looked for in a victim…
These messages infuriate me 1) because most women already know those things since it is out there every time a high profile case is out and 2) no one stops to think about the people doing the raping.
I couldn't help but point out that statistically speaking the number of stranger rapes is very very small compared to non-stranger rapes. The first time I was raped was by my now ex-husband. My friend was raped by her cousin. Another friend was raped by a college friend who was "nice". This is more the norm than the exception to the rule. This is why rapes are under-reported… because "we asked for it", "we were mistaken and sending mixed signals", "you can't rape your wife (or anyone else that you have had consensual sex with before)".
Men, specifically" need to start educating other men that any time a person can't enthusiastically say "yes I want to have sexual intercourse with you" is rape. It seems the biggest reason that men rape women who are unable to say no is the reason that "well they didn't say NO so that MUST mean yes". Men need to point out that a woman that CAN'T SAY YES IS saying NO. She can't give consent, therefore it isn't consensual and humiliation – ie. look at the stoopid girl that got too drunk- (which was the root of the Steubenville rapes was) is not ok either. It isn't funny. It isn't a joke. It is rape. It is illegal. It makes you a rapist of you do it.
"I've already raped and killed everybody I want" – Penn Jillette.
I've had the good fortune (ha) to only have been raped once so far – by someone I'd known for 15+ years, all of our mutual friends agreed was "nice", and I didn't file charges because it would ruin their career. I haven't entirely forgiven him for suggesting I needed my head examined for informing him that non-consenting sex is rape and some days I really want to tell his mother that she has a grandchild she doesn't know about that lives with a wonderful adoptive family just an hour away from her. I won't because it's not my place to tell her, but some days a mean part of me wants to because the big thing I did wrong was trust somebody – I wasn't under the influence of any substances, I wasn't in a bad part of town, I wasn't dressed suggestively (unless flannel pajamas over long underwear are now suggestive), I was just stupid enough to trust that someone I had known for many years and previously slept in the same room as without them laying a hand on me would not be anything different. But I do the work for me every day and can't hope for anything more than that someday the birthfather finds peace.