MALONE: You wanna get Capone? Here’s how you get him. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you sen done of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way, and that’s how you get Capone.
— The Untouchables, script by David Mamet
That’s how Peter David starts his 12 October Comics Buyer’s Guide “But I Digress” article that way.
Now I’ve waxed lyrical previously about how much I enjoy David’s writing, and how his column is one of the main reasons I read CBG. Since those columns are not available on-line, I’m going to quote substantially here. Want to read the rest? Pick up the mag.
… However, we [his 16-year-old daughter Gwen and he] found ourselves in a discussion about the fact that Bush, making short and unmemorable speeches, didn’t exactly inspire confidence. By the same token, I had to admit that I couldn’t say that Gore would have inspired gobs of confidence, either. I am relieved that Nader didn’t win; he would have looked like a deer in massive headlights, because there’s no way he would have intended to sign up for a gig like this. And I wondered, out loud, if there was a single living American woul could be in the office of the presidencey and inspire total conviction that justice was going to be served quickly and efficiently.
Without hesitation, Gwen said, “Mr. T.”
… Unfortunately, Mr. T hasn’t run for office. You know who did, though, who might have provided genuine entertainment value in our darkest hour? The wild Ross Perot. I could see him going on TV. “You give us bin Laden right now or we turn the whole country of Afghanistan into a parking lot! pakistan, too! Level the place, just ’cause we can! You don’t think we’ll do it? Heck, I’ll do it right now! See this? Here’s the football! Got all the launch codes! Ready to go! You Taliban people got 50 seconds to call me at 1-800-IAM-NUTS, or it’s good night, Irene! In fact … I don’t even think I’m gonna wait! Here it goes!”
… While various licensees and media folks are scrambling to eliminate any visual of the Twin Towers from the memory of man — while everyone is treating the image of the World Trade Center as if you’ll turn into a piller of salt if you gaze upon it … Ariel [his 10-year-old daughter] opined that there should be a postage stamp with the Twin Towers, to memorialize it. That seems a pretty good idea to me.
… There seem to be interesting schools of thought: the notion, for instance, that, because the United States has done “bad things” in other countries, somehow this barbaric act was a case of just desserts. Of birds coming home to roost. … In short, we had it coming.
Whatever America may have done or not done that was “bad” or “good,” it’s undeniable that America has done many helpful things for many countries. I don’t recall nations loudly declaring, at any moment in time (including now) that, because we’ve done so many good things for countries, we have all sorts of positive things “coming.” You know, America, you’ve forgiven billions of dollars in debts, so here’s a few billon dollars to cover that debt. Thanks again.
No, no. If our good deeds reslt in prosperity or a buoyant economy, then we’re considered fat and lazy and caught up in pointless pursuits of consumerism. But the bad stuff — that’s OK, that’s poetic justcie. Apparently all we deserve is death, destruction, and damnation.
… [Folks] wonder why Muslims are now being hounded and harassed in the United States. Easy explanation for that: Some people are idiots. Three weeks ago, anyone would have told you that the treatment of Japanese-Americans and stateside Japanese citizens during World War II was, and is, a national disgrace and a shame-filled chapter in our history. But because some people hear the name Santayana and think he’s a musician, they repeat history’s mistakes. There’s no excuse for it.
On the other hand, while we’re brushing up on The Big One, let us keep that in mind, when fielding suggestions that we should try to understand the terrorists’ point of view or that maybe we should explore the point behind their acts and reason and negotiate with them. Perhaps they envision heads of state meeting with Osama bin Laden and returning form his encampment holding a piece of paper high over their heads and proudly proclaiming that we now have peace in our time. Yeah. That’ll work.
Terrorists see negotiation as a sign of weakness. Period. If tomorrow we gave them everything they demanded — if we abandoned Israel, if we dissolved the United States, whatever — all they would do is mentally check off, “Americans can be pushed around” and the very next time they want something else, break out the blades, and say goodbye to your loved ones on your cell phone.
… Bin Laden has stated flatly that his goal is noting less than the end of the United States of America. And we’re supposed to wonder why he thinks that? Why bother — when the Chicago way seems a more appropriate reaction? In a world filled with terror, sometimes you have to choose your fears. If people prefer to live in more fear of terrorists than in what the United States might do to end such threats, I think that’s just pathetic.
Do I want to see innocent Muslims killed? Of course not. However, that is not a concern shared by the terrorists who destroyed the Twin Towers, annihilating plenty of Muslims who were working in the buildings.
People proclaim that, if we start a war over this (not continue a war already declared by others, mind you; we’re starting it, because, you know, we’re America and evil), then, in best comic book fashion, We’re No Better Than They Are. Bull. Yes, we are. Because terrorists strike from hiding. Because they know no laws, operate from the shadows, dare people to catch them without taking responsbility for their actions. If American troops come rolling in, they’re gonna know what country is coming for them, and who they’re fighting.