Anne has a very well-written post on parents and their responsibilities over their kids while dining out (and while out in public in general). Hear-hear.
We’ve very intentionally tried to take Katherine out with us to restaurants and other public places since she’s been born. She first flew when she was only 1 month old. We go out for brunch with her every Sunday.
We did it so that she could learn, from Day 1, how to behave in public.
It isn’t easy. It’s sometimes more aggravation than it’s worth (though it’s worth a lot to get out of the house, sometimes). It requires constant attention to her, getting up and walking with her, paying attention to her, correcting her actions, cajoling her to speak in her “little mouse” voice, and so forth.
But when all is said and done, we’ll have done right by her. And, probably, by ourselves.
Sure, we sometimes get dirty looks from folks who’d rather not have any kids around. We do try to be appropriate about the places we take her, and tend to err on the side of caution. But for every dirty look we get, we get a lot more smiles. And that’s kind of neat.
I asked my comic book store owner how Free Comic Book Day went a few weeks back. He complained that a lot of adults walked in and let their kids run wild, making a mess, bending comics out of the edge of the back-stock bin, etc. He was not very happy.
If I ever do that, I expect the store owner to ask me (and my child) to leave. And I expect I would be properly ashamed of it.
In a society that seems increasingly given over to not taking responsibility for one’s own actions and behavior, it may seem like a stretch to expect people will take responsibility for the actions and behavior of others.
Tough.
Thank you for speaking out.
I don’t have kids (and don’t plan on them) so I am the worst person to point a finger and say ‘your child is misbehaving’ – BUT…
I am amazed by the amount of people who publically believe that children should not be disciplined (sometimes this philosophy is stated as ‘until a certain age’ and sometimes it is left open-ended).
(For a current example of this, see Raising Hell (I can’t find the post, but it’s one that states that story hour at the library is not a quiet and pay attention time for his/her kid – and when the attention of the 18 month old wanders, it’s okay to let that kid disturb the entire group listening to the reading, because he’s just a baby, for crying out loud, and you disiplinarians are crazy to yell at a kid that can’t understand – never mind that the kid’s ‘I’m done’ signals mean it’s time for the parent to pack up, if the kid won’t settle and stay quiet…but I digress…)
I work at a Rennaisance Festival, and once encountered a pretty little family that traveled from fair to fair. Their child, Star, was about 7 years old, and had never had a harsh word from her parents in all her tender years. They were very pleased with themselves, proud of their accomplishment. They accompanied us to an Italian Restuarant, with a large gorup of both local and traveling ‘rennies.’
That child was a public horror. She had no idea how to behave. She actually took a breadstick off another diner’s plate on the other side of the restaurant and walked away, eating it. She crawled around on her hands and knees beneath several tables, ours included. (the temptation to kick her was one I overcame – I expect sainthood, at the very least) She was all over the place, and her parents never even looked up from their converstations to monitor her whereabouts.
I call this child abuse.
It is a raging crime to raise a child to expect that her way will be met in all instances. That food on another plate is free. That any way is her right of way.
I don’t know where she is now, it’s been a decade at least. I expect she’s in a juvenile center or dead. Because kids don’t train themselves the rules of social behavior. And society punishes kids that don’t know or abide by the rules.
That’s what God made Parents for: Love your kids. Teach then to be polite. The Golden Rule. Please and Thank You. Excuse Me. I’m Sorry.
They will thank you for it.
Absotively.
I suspect, given my own natural impulses, that such “parenting” (and I can only use that word in quotes) stems not from any philosophical or pedogogical theory about freedom and children and self-discovery, but just from plain, darned, selfish laziness.
Because it’s a pain in the ass to keep your kid from bugging other diners. It’s embarrassing when you have to take away something they shouldn’t be playing with, and they start to bawl. It’s annoying when you can’t carry on a conversation for more than two minutes without interrupting it to restrain your tot. It’s irritating when you have to get up from your food and take the kid for a walk outside.
But it’s necessary, not just for your own dignity, not just for the sake of politeness or the comfort of others around you (though those are all very important), but for the sake of the child, as you most rightly point out, Jenn.
Great article. As the father of two girls (11 years and 3 months) I can say that’s it tough to be a good parent. The biggest motivator that I have is the realization that if I don’t do the right thing now they, and I, will pay for it when they grow older.
I work with many DINKs (dual income, no kids) and they don’t always appreciate the need to expose children to adult situations (restaruants, parties, traveling, etc). More than once the comment has been “can’t you get a babysitter”. What these people don’t realize is that the children who are being kept in the dark (as far as exposure to the etiquettes of human interaction) now will be the folks they hire or otherwise rely on in the future.
Good point.
Margie and I do sometimes get a sitter. Dinners with other couples at someone’s house where there are no children. Going out to movies or the theater. Situations where (a) Katherine can’t be expected, at 2, to behave within societal norms (sit still quietly for hours), and (b) we don’t want to be interrupted. But those are exceptions, rather than the rule.
So, yes, we do end up tailoring our own activities to what our children can handle. Egads! Self-sacrifice? How positively Neanderthal! But “we knew this job was dangerous when we took it.” We didn’t know how disruptive Katherine would be in our lives (nobody ever does), but that doesn’t get rid of our responsibility to simply roll with the punch.
So we see fewer movies. We eat out less often, and at less fancy or quiet places. We tailor our evening activities around when Katherine has to be in bed (or whether she’ll actually go to sleep at someone else’s house). Big whoop. Things will change, by and by. And she’ll be able to eat out, or go out in public, a lot sooner this way than she would be if we just fobbed her off on a sitter whenever we wanted.
And we take enough time for the two of us to make sure we don’t go stir crazy ourselves. Helped by family and friends who are willing to watch after the Kitten for a bit. Help which we try and take care not to call on more often then feels appropriate and courteous.
The media res. What a concept.
Not to be to catty, but doesn’t it make you swell with pride when you’re daughter gets around other kids and she’s the most well behaved? It boggles my mind that I, being a complete mess, could have helped mold the little lady my daughter is turning out to be. Of course, I may be a little biased on this topic.
Heh. Yeah. It also fills me with self-righteous smugness about what a better job I’m doing at raising my kids than the job they’re doing.
I agree that it’s tough when you have a restive kid in a social situation… I am good for about a half hour of kid wrangling (depending on the co-operation of the kid, of course) sometimes more if we get along famously…
But another thing that turns my hair is when I try to say something to distract the kid, and the parent (overstressed to the max, usually) jumps down my throat for my trouble… I once said ‘You are such a big boy, why are you crying?” and the Mother said, “He’s only three years old, why don’t you mind your own business?” He had stopped and looked at me in shock, probably amazed that anyone would bother to address him in a tone that wasn’t shrill and dismissive. Poor kid.
‘Only three.’ Living breathing talking thinking little critters. Some people don’t seem to give them credit for being human…
“He’s only three years old, why don’t you mind your own business?”
What a bitch.
Sweet, honest, open smile. “I was just trying to help an upset child. If he were drowning, I’d try to help him, too.”
Not that that won’t stop her from taking offense.
What a bitch.
thanks. I may cry now.
I’ve been carrying that one around for years, wondering if I had done something overtly wrong…
and I’ve not helped where I may have been able to, because of that one reaction… I may try again.
Meanwhile, Melly has an adorable track of she and little Mattie singing a duet… go here to get a big big smile on your face… Ordinary Morning
As the saying goes, “Don’t let the bastards (or, in this case, the bitches) grind you down.”
You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t grab the woman by the shoulder and say in a snarky tone, “So, what are you doing wrong with your child?” She reacted poorly (to give her the benefit of the doubt, she may have been frustrated or upset by the kid’s crying, too), but that doesn’t mean you have to assume the blame she wants to dole out.
What a bitch.
hello everyone i am very facinated by your stories and i do believe that the children are nothing but a larger image of how great of a parent you are. I do not have any children yet but i am not trilled to think about all the stress and joy of the job. I am proposing a new idea to this restaurant to give an ease to the parents and kids and for DINKs like adam mention. My idea is to create a non-children section as well as a children section like there is a regulation with smoking there should be one for children. With all the sadness in my heart some parents have ruined for others but why not to make it better? what do you guys think about all of this?
please email me
ee5620@msn.com
Well, why not a rude, obnoxious, loud, and disruptive restaurant section, and a quiet, well-behaved, polite restaurant section? It would seemingly do just as much good, if not moreso.
I don’t think ghettoizing all kids into one corner of a restaurant makes much sense. I’d rather society in general (or restaurant management in particular) be more proactive about expecting civil behavior all around.