So Wednesday I undergo a colonoscopy, having reached that tender age when a young man’s primary care physician says, “You will now schedule a colonoscopy with us.” …
You will be pleased to know that I do not plan on live-tweeting my colonoscopy. However, since I’ll have much to bitch about in the context of it, I do plan on tweeting and/or blogging about some of that stuff. Caveat lector.
For example, tomorrow (Tuesday), I fast. Or, rather, I go on an all-liquid diet. And by “liquid” I mean “clear liquid.” And by “clear liquid” I mean water, clear bouillon, Pedialyte, apple or white grape juice, 7-Up / Sprite / ginger ale / lemon lime soda, cola or root beer, tea and coffee (sugar, no cream), Jell-o / Gatorade / popsicles (clear, yellow, or green).
But no liquids that are (gasp) red, purple, blue, or orange. And no alcohol. And nothing more solid than … well, the above. And, as I mentioned, no alcohol.
Oh, joy.
This will be followed by various other dietary indignities that I will attempt to be circumspect about, except when they’re too funny.
Of course, one can never discuss colonoscopies without giving a shout-out to the late Dennis Wolfberg. Here’s hoping medical technology has advanced a bit in the last twenty years or so … (It appears it has, but I’ve always loved Wolfberg’s routine … in the abstract.)
So, anyway, tonight is eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we liquid diet. Bon appetit!
Welcome to the club. Due to family history (mom died of colon cancer in her 40s) I’ve been putting up with them for about 15 years now. And in a strange coincidence, my next one is 6/16/2011. What infuriates me is that KP won’t schedule it unless someone drives me and sticks around the entire time — I’ve taken taxi’s before and I do understand the dangers of driving after just having come out from under sedation. But living alone, and having all friends (thankfully) employed (at least those who live close enough to be able to do so and are close enough in familiarity for me to feel comfortable asking), I have the added expense of engaging a service that provides a driver to sit in the waiting room for a 2 hour minimum — plus mileage. Feh.
After your colonoscopy is successfully concluded I will tell you something that will likely cheer you up…
A coworker of mine recently turned 50 and went through this procedure. He said he was offered a standard sedative and another type that I’d never heard of which involves no actual sedation, but instead removes your short term memory. Roughly two hours worth.
He took the memory loss one and afterwards said to the doc that he didn’t feel a thing, no pain at all. The doc said that he had indeed felt significant discomfort during the procedure.
Medical science is getting weird, is my point.
Best for the “procedure.” I’m confident they won’t find your head up there.
That’s actually nothing terribly new as a concept. Scopalamine, which has been used at times (as a patch) as a seasickneess medication (or for vertigo of various sorts), can cause short-term memory loss. This was used, for a period, in lieu of anaesthetic, for women delivering babies.
It was discontinued when women, losing their short-term memories moment-to-moment, would panic during delivery.
My first wife, in college, suffered from a vertigo problem for a few weeks and was put on scopalamine patches. She essentially lost 2-3 weeks of class.
Given the choice, I’ll probably go for the sedative. Memory loss is scarier than being chemically poisoned into unconsciousness.
Went through this 3 years ago with Wolfberg’s routine on my mind. No problem, no pain, annoying mainly because of the idea of it. Walked to a restaurant 2 blocks away after to get through the ‘do not drive’ period.
Well, that’s comforting.
Luckily for me, I have the Madame Margie Broth-Cooking and Chauffeur Service available. She’s doing the driving today.
Hmmm…not sure a colonoscopy ruffie is all that good of an idea…