Dear Mr. Unsolicited Advice —
How can I not be hired by Dave? Here I have an opportunity to look like the perfect candidate for a critical job opening he has, and all I want to know is how I can blow it, big time!
Sincerely,
Seeking to Not Work for Dave
Dear Seeking,
Dave is a really nice guy, and certainly he likes to get positions filled that he has open, especially these days. There’s all sorts of ways to win him over, but it takes a truly special, stand-out candidate to blow what should be the easiest sale of the century.
- Apply for something you have no experience in. Not even as a “growth” or “stretch” sort of job advancement. Like, “I change tapes on mainframes all day long, which is why I think I’m the PeopleSoft Implementation Director you need. Um … that’s a software program, isn’t it?” Dave loves getting resumes that make no sense, because he has nothing better to do with his time.
- Demonstrate that you really don’t understand what he’s talking about — or what you’re talking about. If you’re a development manager being asked about “project management methodologies,” be sure and quote your favorite quip from the 60-Second Manager or some other generic hot-business-book-of-the-week piece of truistic dreck. Dave loves truistic dreck from the remainders bin.
- Conversely, throw around a lot of technical buzz words and acronyms. Be sure and say things like, “Well, I prefer the XML-oriented middleware that can be instanced with Ajax with SOAP and is deployed via Linux-based applets,” especially when he asks you about customer satisfaction measures or other fuzzy “business” stuff. Not only does Dave love to see people who care more about technology than client needs, but he loves being reminded how badly eroded his own technical chops are.
- Assuming you understand them, don’t answer the questions he gives that you don’t want to answer. Be vague. Redirect to something you want to talk about. Do this as many times as it takes to get him to drop the question. He loves being evaded, and being unsure if it’s stupidity or just being a politician (or both).
- Be pushy. Dave especially loves to hear about how you’re a hot commodity and liable to be snatched up by another employer any second now unless he acts Right Now. This reminds him of car haggling, which is, of course, one of his favorite activities.
Do one, two, or even three of the above, and you’ll be guaranteed a lack of job with Dave! Have fun!
Regards,
Mr. Unsolicited Advice
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