After passing up several references elsewhere, Doyce finally got me to read The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the US Army.
My Top 5 … well, 11:
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
55. An order to ‘Put Kiwi on my boots’ does *not* involve fruit.
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
Who says Stripes was fiction?