To whom it may concern

Please note that …

• I do not want to get THE BANNED CD. I’d also be more impressed with this “final offer” if I hadn’t received a dozen “final offers” for it this morning, from different sources.
• I am happy with the size of my “male Organ,” and have received no complaints from anyone else on the subject.
• I do not want to steal digital cable.
• I am not interested in buying copies of Norton SystemWorks 2003.
• I do not need any new prescriptions written for me, particulary for Prozac or Xanax, though I do feel a bit stressed after receiving a dozen messages asking me if I do.
• I also do not need any anti-aging meds, any weight loss meds, or any Viagra. Or, at least, not by e-mail.
• My mortgage is fine. Really.
• So’s my cell phone reception.
• Did I mention I’m already happy with my mortgage rate?
• Putting my name in the e-mail subject is a lot more effective when it’s my name and not the name at the top of the twenty person CC list on the e-mail.
• Messages sound a lot more authentic when not suffixed by a tracking code. So a subject line of “Reply to your question” is plausible. A subject line of “Reply to your question 1e4ygh6a” is not.
• I really am not interested in the merchandise you say is waiting for me, since (a) I didn’t order it, (b) you won’t tell me what it is, and (c) I don’t trust you. Aside from that, how’s your day going?
• I really don’t want to start my own at-home e-mail business, even if e-mail is the cheapest, easiest way to reach zillions of customers. I’d hate to find my ad being discussed in disparaging tones on someone’s blog page …

Frickin’ spammers.