Multiple choice

One of the growing bits of entertainment over the past few days has been watching the Iraqi information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf (various spellings), give press conference after press conference, in which he progressively continues to describe life in cloud cuckoo land, where American troops are being beaten back with thousands of casualties, are under siege, are hundreds of miles from Baghdad, are …

Well, it makes you wonder why he’s saying all these crazy things. What’s going on in his head?

1. “Dammit, it’s true! All those pictures of American troops with Baghdad in the background? Digital fakery. That’s why the resolution is so crappy! They got those same guys who faked the Moon Landing! Really! I read about it on the Internet!”
2. “I’m nucking futs. I mean, why the hell else would anyone be an information minster for Saddam Hussein?”
3. “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”
4. “How can you tell when an Iraqi information minister is lying? His lips are moving. Heh. I kill me.”
5. “I wonder if they know there’s a guy off-camera aiming a gun at my wife’s head.”
6. “I hope nobody notices how much I look like Saddam Hussein with my — er, his moustache shaved off.”
7. “Hey, I just read what they put on the cue cards. I’m an actor, fer Allah’s sake! Want some of my head shots? You know anyone in Hollywood? I’m going to be available very soon …”
8. “I’m just waiting to see if anyone’s paying any attention. I keep saying more and more outrageous statements, and nobody says anything. They just tremble a lot. What’s with that?”
9. “April Fools!”