“But Occifer, I only had tree martoonis!”

What to do — and not do — when you get pulled over for a ticket. In most cases — pretty much common sense and courtesy, leavened with a recognition of both the balance of power in the transaction and the perspective of that cop or trooper walking up toward your window …

I.e., don’t give them any reason to worry about you, and don’t tick them off. Words to live by. And they might get you a smaller fine.

Things to do (read the article for explanations and further guidance):

1. Pull to the right at the first safe opportunity, then turn off your engine.
2. Stay in your car with your seatbelt fastened. Roll down your window. Turn off the radio. Don’t even think about touching your cell phone.
3. Place your hands on top of the steering wheel and sit quietly. Ask passengers to remain silent.
4. Retrieve license, registration, and proof of insurance only when asked to do so.
5. Answer questions succinctly. Avoid arguing, cursing, or interrupting when the officer speaks to you.

And things to not do (which are mostly the reverse of the above):

1. Don’t slam on your brakes when you see the flashing lights, and don’t continue driving for an extended distance.
2. Do not jump out of the vehicle, do not make any sudden movements, and do not approach the officer.
3. You can complain, you can proffer wild explanations, but not for long.
4. Do not lie. If you were speeding, admit it. If you honestly have no clue why you were stopped, wait for the officer to tell you.
5. Do not show your contempt by peeling away after the stop.

I will say two things.

First, this is pretty close to my own behavior, and I generally have had pretty good luck with the cops either letting me off with a warning or treating me what seems reasonably (I can only think of one time when it was not a righteous pull-over).

Second, on the first #1, during my one stint at post-ticket driving school, the instructor, a former CHP officer, said that when the lights go on, pull over then — that it’s the call of the officer to decide whether it’s a safe place. I think it has to be a judgment call, though, and the tactics described above make sense.

Again — honesty, civility, and not giving the cops any reason to think you’re a threat (or someone who needs to be taught a lesson) are pretty safe rules to follow. Is that knuckling under to the Man? You could look at it that way — but in most cases it’s probably a smarter idea to go back to your computer and blog a nastygram about it than try to “stand up” right then and there.