I like to think I'm a Nice Guy. Indeed, it shows up on various social media profiles about myself.
The article below (via +George Wiman) is a challenge to this designation as something to be proud of. George and I have been chatting a bit on the subject on his original post, and the thinking there got deep and reflective enough that it's worth my summing up my thinking on the matter here.
The article details some cases and individuals — Martin Luther King, Jr, for one — decrying "niceness" and one frequent interpretation of it: that to be nice is to not rock the boat, to not upset others, to not yell too loudly or block traffic or make people uncomfortable. To be nice, in this model, is to seek order, peace and quiet, politeness, predictably pleasant and unchallenging social interactions.
Now there's a certain amount of space where that's valuable. Not shoving your way into line, not flipping off people who are not letting you drive as fast as you want, tailoring messages to catch folk with honey rather than vinegar — all of that keeps us in a tolerable social setting.
But it can, in fact, be a trap. It tells to the protester of injustice, "Be quiet. People are sleeping. Don't make anyone angry. Don't make waves. Follow channels. Be nice."
Which may be what some folk want to have happen with some social protest movements of today, but which tactics would not have served the Founding Fathers very well. Patrick Henry, Ben Franklin, John Adams, and the rest, were not "nice" in this way. Indeed, a lot of debate was held about to what degree to be "nice" to the British in the face of what were seen as intolerable violations of liberty and local sovereignty. If the Founders had just worked through channels, not rocked the boat, not gotten anyone upset … we might be Canada.
(Not that there's anything wrong with Canada, mind you.)
When being "nice" is a way of shutting down conversation, of telling the victims of injustice to just suck it up because people don't want to listen to their complaining — when it is actually another word for denial — or cowardice — then being "nice" is not a virtue, but a vice.
There are times, yes, when you attract more flies with honey than vinegar. But there are times that cry out for vinegar to make people blink their eyes and see what's going on.
But "niceness" can have another component or tack: call it kindness or compassion. To be "nice" is to think of others, not just yourself. To be aware of others' burdens and to offer to help. To not just seek to solve social unpleasantness by quieting everyone down, but to actually solve it (with, one hopes, only the most necessary of shouting).
I hope when I am "Mr. Nice Guy," it's more in this latter sense than the former. Politeness and social order is generally useful, but there are times when it's not useful — and prioritizing them becomes less of a virtue than a vice.
Nice Is the New Civil
Words written over fifty years ago (boldface mine): First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettabl…
Not to worry, Dave. You are a "nice guy," but you aren't a "denier" or "coward." You're one o' the good ones!
+Scott Randel I try. I'm not confident I always succeed.
As far as I can tell, often enough that you don't need to worry about it. At least, not obsessively. We should all worry about it to some degree, as it keeps us on our toes.