Unavenged

The first DVD I ever bought was …

… The Avengers. Yes, the 1998 Fiennes/Thurman debacle.

Yes, not only did I spend money in a movie theater on this dramatic disappointment, but I went out and bought the DVD, too.

Don’t ask me. I do some weird shit sometimes.

Fiennes plays Steed as sleepy, stuck-up, and slightly sour. Thurman comes across as tranquilized and confused as often as clever and resourceful, and employs a wavering accent in either case. The two of them try to be oh-so-cool, but have nearly none of the sparkle that Macnee and Riggs brought to their roles.

Meanwhile, based on his acting, Sean Connery was either drunk or disgusted through most of the production. Eddie Izzard’s talents were utterly wasted. And even my beloved Fiona Shaw never really sparkled.

The editing is oddly choppy in some places, oddly static in others. The story makes no sense (though there they managed to get the classic TV show down pat). And they used the worst prop snow of all time. Only the last item cannot be explained away by the rumor that a good thirty minutes of the movie was left on the cutting room floor, a quarter of the initial length. (An earlier version of the script can, it seems, be found here. There’s at least one scene in it, cut from the film, which opens the trailer.)

There are a few good lines, a few good shots, some fine (if snoozily-delivered) double entendres.

But overall, this film, as produced, is an awful waste. Indeed, the trailer is better-cut and more exciting than the movie.

So why did I bring it with me to watch in the hotel room on my PC? And why am I bothering to review it?

Don’t ask me. I do some weird shit sometimes.