“Excuse me, Sir.”
IS THAT YOU AGAIN, MOSES?
“I’m afraid it is, Sir.”
WHAT IS IT THIS TIME, MOSES? MORE COMPUTER PROBLEMS?
“How did you guess?”
I DON’T HAVE TO GUESS, MOSES. REMEMBER?
“Oh, yeah. I forgot.”
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, MOSES.
“But you already know, Sir. Remember?”
MOSES!
“Sorry, Sir. Well, I, uh, have a question, Sir. You know those ten ‘things’ you sent me via e-mail?”
YOU MEAN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, MOSES?
“That’s it. I was wondering if they’re, um, important.”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘IF THEY ARE IMPORTANT,’ MOSES? OF COURSE THEY’RE IMPORTANT. OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T HAVE SENT THEM TO YOU.
Uh, yeah, well, sorry, Sir, but I, um, lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but, of course, you would see right through that.”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ‘LOST THEM?’ ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU DIDN’T SAVE THEM, MOSES?
“No, Sir. I, um, forgot.”
SAVING IS VERY IMPORTANT MOSES. I’VE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE.
“Yes, I know. Saving. Yes. Well, I was going to save them, but I, uh, forgot, and then I couldn’t find them and … well, I did forward them to some people before I lost them.”
AND DID YOU HEAR BACK FROM ANY OF THEM?
“You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not.’ May he change the words a little bit?”
YES, MOSES, AS LONG AS HE DOES NOT CHANGE THE MEANING.
“And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the ‘Ten Suggestions,’ or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?”
MOSES, I WILL ACT AS THOUGH I DID NOT HEAR THAT.
“I think that means ‘no.’ Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?”
I THINK THE TERM IS ‘SPAMMING,’ MOSES.
“Oh, yeah, right. Well, I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that stuff, per Your orders, Sir, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”
AND WHAT DID HE SAY?
“You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don’t think he might have sent me one of those — err — plagues, and that’s the reason I lost those ten ‘things’, do you?”
THEY ARE NOT PLAGUES. THEY ARE CALLED ‘VIRUSES,’ MOSES.
“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them.”
WE WILL DO IT THE NEW WAY, MOSES, USING COMPUTERS.
“I was afraid you would say that, Sir.”
MOSES, WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO DO IF YOU MESSED UP?
“You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer.”
IT’S A MOUSE, MOSES, NOT A RAT. MOUSE. MOUSE. SO, DID YOU DO THAT?
“No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?”
NO, MOSES.
“One other thing. Why did you not name them ‘frogs’ instead of ‘mice,’ because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”
I DID NOT NAME THEM, MOSES. MAN DID, AND YOU CAN CALL YOURS A FROG IF YOU WANT TO.
“Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers ‘Apple?'”
SAY GOOD NIGHT, MOSES.
“Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten ‘things’ have come back into my e-mail from other people.”
WHICH ONES ARE THEY, MOSES?
“Let me see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image’ and ‘Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor’s wife.’ And something about making your exodus to the burning bush longer, harder, and more exciting …”
*SIGH* TURN OFF THE COMPUTER, MOSES. I’M SENDING YOU ANOTHER SET OF STONE TABLETS.
(via my folks, plus a few tweaks by me)