So we’ve been chatting with Katherine about language. She’s let out a couple of mild expletives in recent weeks, most (though not all) of which she picked up around the house. “Darn it.” “God.” “Crap.”
Teaching about polite and civil language is tricky, the biggest trick being, of course, regulating my own. While I hardly cuss a blue streak, and, in fact, employ a number of euphemisms in my cussing, I do cuss. And, in fact, the problem is not so much the words used, per se, as the uncontrolled (and therefore dangerously thoughtless) anger that goes into uttering them, which leads inevitably to harsher language.
And there’s also, as a complication, the societal concept that some words are okay for grown-ups to use, but not okay for Kindergarteners. Which is just plain true, though it can be a difficult idea to work around. Katherine seemed to understand, though, using the model that there are some things that it’s okay for grown-ups to do (go into the street, drive a car) that it’s not okay for her to do.
As she’s learning these rules, she’s inevitably tossing them back at us. “Daddy, you said a bad word.” “I did?” “You said ‘dang it.'”
Hrm.
Okay. Dang is okay. I think darn is okay, though Margie seems more concerned by it. Both words are better alone than with an “it” after them. I suggested dagnabbit is also okay. As is heck.
The other words mentioned above are right out. She understands that, I think.
I also told her it was okay for her to correct my language, but not that of (grown-up) visitors to the house. While they might find it cute — once — it’s not her place to correct guests’ language. But by engaging with us as to what’s okay and what’s not (and when and from whom), hopefully we’ll be able to work out some understandable, instinct-level rules we can all abide with.
And, in the meantime, it will help me with my language.
I suspect this is not the last time we will have this particular conversation. It’s certainly not the first.
Long ago, when my Aunt Cynthia was alive, I spent one summer with her. She felt very strongly about bad language. She objected to hearing me use it, and noted that her favorite expression of annoyance was Oh Bother! In response, I started using lots of strange expressions that I made up on the spot. They came in two varieties, those including nonsense words, and those that used normal words in an unusual way. She laughed a lot, but it quickly became apparent to me that expressions of annoyance are more about tone of voice and context than they are about the words that are used.
Oh blort! and Elbow! communicate annoyance just as well as stronger language to which people might object. The nonsense words are a little less satisfactory from the standpoint of emotional release, but it’s unclear to me whether one can learn to feel the same level of emotional release from these words as one feels from the stronger language. It may be that part of the emotional release felt when cursing comes from the violation of social standards, but I don’t understand why that would be the case.
Sometime later, I decided that Oh pain! or Hurt it! made good curses, but without the impetus of having my Aunt Cynthia around, I find it hard to get myself to use them. When I don’t think about what I’m doing, I tend to revert to the phrases that I’ve used in the past, including those that are scatalogical, potentially blasphemous, or otherwise improper in polite company. I like the idea of being able to curse in public without offending others (the guy who got a ticket for cursing in public while canoeing in Michigan a few years ago comes to mind). I want to use alternative curses and I want to feel the emotional release from them, but it just doesn’t seem to work.
If you can get Katherine to use alternative curses habitually, and to feel the emotional release that one seeks while using them, that would seem to suggest that what makes a curse satisfactory is a learned matter that doesn’t depend on the violation of social standards. That would be cool. Now I’ve got to go try to find something on the internet about cursing.
Oh pain, ***Dave, now you’ve given me another project, just when I don’t need another distraction, since I’ve got plenty to do right now as it is.
Long ago, when my Aunt Cynthia was alive, I spent one summer with her. She felt very strongly about bad language. She objected to hearing me use it, and noted that her favorite expression of annoyance was Oh Bother! In response, I started using lots of strange expressions that I made up on the spot. They came in two varieties, those including nonsense words, and those that used normal words in an unusual way. She laughed a lot, but it quickly became apparent to me that expressions of annoyance are more about tone of voice and context than they are about the words that are used.
Oh blort! and Elbow! communicate annoyance just as well as stronger language to which people might object. The nonsense words are a little less satisfactory from the standpoint of emotional release, but it’s unclear to me whether one can learn to feel the same level of emotional release from these words as one feels from the stronger language. It may be that part of the emotional release felt when cursing comes from the violation of social standards, but I don’t understand why that would be the case.
Sometime later, I decided that Oh pain! or Hurt it! made good curses, but without the impetus of having my Aunt Cynthia around, I find it hard to get myself to use them. When I don’t think about what I’m doing, I tend to revert to the phrases that I’ve used in the past, including those that are scatalogical, potentially blasphemous, or otherwise improper in polite company. I like the idea of being able to curse in public without offending others (the guy who got a ticket for cursing in public while canoeing in Michigan a few years ago comes to mind). I want to use alternative curses and I want to feel the emotional release from them, but it just doesn’t seem to work.
If you can get Katherine to use alternative curses habitually, and to feel the emotional release that one seeks while using them, that would seem to suggest that what makes a curse satisfactory is a learned matter that doesn’t depend on the violation of social standards. That would be cool. Now I’ve got to go try to find something on the internet about cursing.
Oh pain, ***Dave, now you’ve given me another project, just when I don’t need another distraction, since I’ve got plenty to do right now as it is.
We suggested frell as an alternative, but she didn’t care for it. Haven’t even considered shazbat or felgercarb.
My grandmother used to growl, Well, Hector.
Hmmm. Bother has a sort of retro classicism to it.
Bother seems very AA Milne to me.
My grandmother used to say “heck” with enough inflection to make you believe she meant something worse, which goes back to what David said – Is it the word we use or that fact that we shouldn’t act on the impulse to curse regardless of the word we use?
We suggested frell as an alternative, but she didn’t care for it. Haven’t even considered shazbat or felgercarb.
My grandmother used to growl, Well, Hector.
Hmmm. Bother has a sort of retro classicism to it.
We’ve been taking the tack that there’s a difference between “just us chickens” and the world at large. For example, it’s not such a big deal to run around naked if there’s nobody at home; likewise, language. There are some words I still limit her on, but I try to let her know that other people get angry about these things, and that’s why she should watch what she’s doing. I guess I don’t see anything essentially wrong in using curse words; it’s a matter of what they’re being used for. For example, an expression that someone’s opinion/action/person is worthless is offensive no matter what type of language is used.
OK, so here’s an article that suggests that cursing actually has positive social value in releasing tension in a non-violent way.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/20/science/20curs.html?ex=1284868800&en=aa9497f028be8281&ei=5088&
I found it by searching Google, but it looks like the Times is getting ready to put it into their for-money archive. I hope the link works.
Something interesting from wikipedia is their article on “minced oaths”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minced_oath
There seems to be a guy named Timothy Jay who is some kind of expert on cursing, having written “Cursing in America.” I haven’t found a web page for him yet.
The most interesting stuff is in the NYTimes article. It suggests that people have physiological reactions indicating stress when they hear cursing, and that cursing is a kind of gesture that implies a threat. I don’t know how that would work with respect to cursing at inanimate objects, but if curses are a way to make threats, then that might explain how they reduce stress – by asserting dominance over another person.
Hmmm … given the subconscious/instinctive attribution of intent to even inanimate objects and actions, curses would be effective at inanimate objects, right?
Yes! Good thought, ***Dave! I hadn’t thought to put those two things together that way, and now I wish I had.
Well, I have the advantage of actually *writing* this stuff. 🙂
Actually, cursing does have some positive effects (better to curse than hit), and I don’t mind Kitten (or myself) having some sort of way of verbally expressing frustration, anger, pain, irk, whatever. But it is important to come up with a way to do it in a socially acceptable fashion.
And, yes, what’s allowable en famille can be different from what happens at work or in church or at the store. For myself, I know, though, that the emotional/instinctive drive behind cussing often bypasses conscious consideration of my surroundings and the sensibilities of those around me. I.e., if I get in the habit at home of saying “X!” it’s altogether likely I’ll sooner or later do it down at a less opportune time.