Category: Spam

The Direct Marketing Association has long opposed anti-spam laws. After all, their members make a living through direct marketing … i.e., spam.

Problem is, “big fleas have lesser fleas,” and the DMA members realize that folks are tuning out all commercial e-mail, solicited or un-, because of the inexorable flood of porn ads, quack medications, insurance/mortgage/pyramid schemes and the like.

So the DMA has announced that they’re now backing federal anti-spam legislation.

Of course, like Iraqi “unconditional” inspections, what the DMA has in mind as far as legislation goes is a bit different from what most people think.

For example, spam is not, in their eyes, simply unsolicited commercial e-mail. Why, that’s every DMA members’s God-given right to pepper us with. No, they would have only fraudulent e-mail, with forged headers, be considered spam.

And, of course, they insist on opt-out system (i.e., they get to send you stuff until you click on the little “remove me” link and hope that it doesn’t just spread your name to another dozen mailing lists, a/k/a the presumption is that anyone can send you spam until you tell each individual sender that you don’t want it) . The past proposals for an opt-in system (where you don’t get anything unless you explicitly ask for it) are, in the DMA’s eyes, a non-starter.

Now, that having been said, I’m opposed to most anti-spam legislation. Problem is, given the international nature of the Net, it’s not likely to appreciably reduce the crap that infests my mailbox daily (much of which is mailed from or through China, Europe, etc.). And, frankly, I don’t feel a great need to pass legislation to help DMA members compete more successfully than their less prosperous (but equally unsavory) brethren.

Still, if even the DMA thinks that spam is a problem … well, it does give one hope.

Dear Mr. Pasta Man,

First off, I must say that it was truly refreshing to find in my burgeoning spam folder something that said “Eat More Pasta!” as the subject line, rather than an admonition to refinance, obtain low-cost insurance, recover hidden money in Nigeria, spy on my friends, or observe barely legal teens doing what barely legal teens have done since time immemorial. It is also far more likely to actually occur.

That having been said, concluding the message with …

This was a ONE TIME E-MAIL you will not receive this e-mail again!!
If you still would like to be removed from our recurring e-mail list we will be happy to do this.

… sends something of a mixed message.

How about I rat you out to your ISP instead?

Sincerely,

*** Dave

I love this stuff.

• Want to promote your site with SPAM but afraid to? – Clearly you’re not.
• HOT BARELY LEGAL TEENS WANT TO [expletive deleted] – I’d say that pretty well sums up barely legal teens since time immemorial.
• fat burners marked down, penis enlargements breasts – There is something very disturbing about this subject line.
• Just Don’t Miss The Boat – Get A Better Mtg – Just fyi, most people think that “mtg” stands for “meeting,” not “mortgage.”
• You can order and design a single pair of customised shoes. – Ah, the wonders of modern science!
• What Do You Know about Nutrition – More, I daresay, than “Dr. Jame Dalton, Reseearch Dir.” knows about spelling and grammar.

I really don’t understand what’s going on with our corporate anti-spam gateway. I think they’ve turned it off again. The problem they have is that either they need a full-time staff to manually check the items that are filtered out, or some VP will get his or her nose out of joint because something they were expecting got delayed.

Of course, I’m also having grief with SpamAssassin Pro. The original UNIX-based program works great. The Windows port by Deersoft should work great, too, but they’ve made it into such a black box that I can’t tell why about half the spam I receive is getting through. Annoying.

Subject: Q. DOES YOUR FOREIGN ACCENT SIMPLY GET IN THE WAY?

No. And even though my strange, exotic, foreign accent clearly labels me as a newcomer to these shores, YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOUT.

Today’s backlog of favorite subject lines:

My dear dave.hill — My dear scuz.ball.

Urgent: Ambitious People Targets! — Your marketing strategy?

And quoth the bottom of another unsolicited e-mail …

This is only one time E-mail and there is no need for removal request. Or you can Block the Senders E-mail Address.

Or I can report you to your ISP, you son of a bitch.

UPDATE: When you’re trying to sell me on your “authentic Italian recipes,” Maria, it would be much more impressive if you knew how to actually spell the Italian words you throw around. Or the English ones, for that matter.

Nothing like returning to the office to find a bucket o’ spam waiting for you. Some particularly choice bits …

• URGNET MATTER PLEASE — Sorry, this is the Internet. The Urgnet is across the hall, two doors down on the left.
• Stop credit card payments immediately! — You mean I can do that? Cool.

• `Why so many mortgage email? — I not know. Why so many?

• Make your own pile of cash — I can make my own pile, all right, and I’ll bet it’s worth more than the stock you’re touting.

• Get that Girl You’ve always wanted — I already did, neener-neener-neener!

• We have all the hottest sex toys and erotic adult novelties in the industry — And you don’t have anything better to do than send spam?

  Besides, I’ve got the Girl I’ve always wanted, so neener-neener-neener.

The heart-aches and heart-breaks of a spammer:

“My operating costs have gone up 1,000 percent this year, just so I can figure out how to get around all these filters,” said Balan, a former truck driver and pinball machine mechanic.
Five years ago, Balan says, he’d send 30 million messages in a day. Most would get through. He’d earn up to $10,000 in commissions for a good day’s work.
Now, even though Balan keeps a database with 240 million e-mail addresses, only about fifth get through the filters. An average mailing earns him a paltry $250.

Stand right there, guy. Let me go get a rock Kleenex …

We get spam …

• david.hemingway,Firmer, Larger Breasts in just 30 days. Um … no thanks.
• here is the link. Oh, thanks. Uh, did I ask you for a link? And why, if I opted in to your bulk mailing, does all the legalese at the bottom (necessary given your touting some obscure stock) note that the offer is not valid in about 30 states, of which mine is one?

• Adv:ce Unbelievable Discounts! Yes, you indeed tried to make the weasel-legal “adv:” prefix on the subject into something that might look like the word “Advice.” Jerk.

• LOOK ! Y O U are a W I N N E R here ! – Don’t miss out! I’m truly touched that you’re so intersted in my winning that I’ve received this message a dozen times in the last week, half of them evidently from the same guy (with slightly different e-mail accounts).

From this week’s Onion: Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed by Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby.

“The penis enlargers have shrewdly formed a coalition with other industries that depend heavily upon mass e-mail, including the American Association To LOSE WEIGHT FAST and the National Alliance To GET OUT OF DEBT NOW,” said Nicholas Lerman of the Cato Institute. “This coalition also includes the formidable National Organization To GO FROM AN A-CUP TO A D IN JUST 10 DAYS.”
Roger Skolnick, genitalia-enhancement editor of Newsweek, said the anti-spam bill would damage one of the few thriving sectors of the U.S. economy.
“Sales of penis-enlargement treatments and devices in 2000 totaled in excess of $600 million,” Skolnick said. “Cock-lengthening is, no pun intended, a consistent growth industry in the U.S., and this bill would severely emasculate it. As usual, it’s the little guy who suffers.”

I love these guys. I have no idea why my company’s firewall blocks them …

Y O U are a W I N N E R here ! 4392

Yeah, I know. That’s why four separate HotMail accounts have sent me this frelling note over the last two days, albeit with different tracking numbers.

I love those little tracking numbers, by the way. I wish to God Outlook’s stupid rules allowed me to send anything with a set of numbers at the end. I’d wipe out 90% of my spam in one swell foop.

Other winners from the past few days include:

Guaranted Peneis enlargement program

My only curiosity here is whether the mispellings are deliberate or not.

dave.hill,Reverse Aging 10 to 20 Years

It’s vaguely depressing that this is no longer a ridiculous number.

dave.hill,The Ultimate Anti-Ager!

Sounds like a super-hero identity.

Here is that link. 5492GpRh1-783pgoM1…

Uh-huh. Right. Oh, SpamCop …

Need to boost sells? (Well, maybe. My sells have been a bit unhappy, recently.)

Home run of a product idea 9934eNee6-008jsGF-16 (Hmmm. I like the product idea, but you might want to work on the name.)

When Depression Hits What Happens to You? (I feel the urge to send unsolicited e-mail to people. Stop me before I spam again!)

From: Christine Hall
Re: http://bears-cave.com
Did you know that http://bears-cave.com is not listed on some search engines?

No, I didn’t. Doyce is such a slacker.

TrafficMagnet is the market leader within the search engine submission industry. TrafficMagnet could automatically submit http://bears-cave.com to more than 300,000 search engines and directories – every month! Specialized in providing search engine submission services TrafficMagnet offers cost-effective web promotion solutions to customers all over the world.

Huh. I wonder why he hasn’t done it, then.

TrafficMagnet is offering its unique and competitive search engines submission services for as little as $19.95 per month!

He’s a slacker and he’s a cheapskate.

But he’s still a nice guy. You don’t have to work through an intermediary, Christine. You can just e-mail him directly. He doesn’t bite. Hard.

Of course, if you want to cut me in on some of that $19.95 per month action, I’d be happy to be a go-between …

From: “I. R. S”
Subject: “Final Notice ! ! – Re.: Your past due I.R.S account”

Heh. Yeah. Right. I’d be more alarmed if (a) the subject line wasn’t full of grammatical errors, and (b) the from-name didn’t resolve to “Jeff” at “Yahoo.com.”

And I’d be a lot more impressed by a “Professional” Tax Specialist who didn’t try to scare me into using his services. Bastard.

Hello, SpamCop …?

Today’s favorite spam subject line awaiting me at the office:

    dave.hess,A Bigger Bust in 60 days or we’ll Pay You

I love this. The faux personalization (somewhat ruined by trying to send it to five people in one mailing, not to mention the gender-bending therein), not to mention The intereresting Capitalization.

It was vaguely educational, knowing that someone with my name works at Logan Aluminum and at Reuters. I wonder if they need bigger busts, too?

First in an intermittent series …

     Artfully Hypnotize Women Into Bed

No thanks. I prefer a club. I have to have some standards …

About once every few days I get an e-mail akin to this:

From: jerry n’ngoran
Subject: JERRY

I don’t believe I know anyone on Yahoo! Canada. I’m pretty certain I don’t know anyone named Jerry.

Fortunately, Outlook Express, for all its sins, can view the source of a message without actually opening the message, which is more than Outlook 2002 can do.

Hello,
With due respect, I have decided to contact you in
this peculiar matter believing that you will not let
down the trust and confidence that I and my colleagues
are about to repose in you.For a brief introduction,I
am Jerry N’Ngoran the Deputy Accountant of the Cote d’Ivoire
Sociiti Ivoirienne de Raffinage (S.I.R) here in Abidjan and also
a member of the contract awarding committee for the rehabilitation
and reconstruction of the country refinery that had a
fire disaster last year October 2001. I was
mandated by my colleagues to look for a reliable
and trustworthily foreigner whos account will be use
to transfer some huge amount of money, a total sum of
US$15,500,000.00 (fifteen million five hundred
thousand united sates dollars) only, out of the
country for our personal use.
This money was realised from over inflated contracts
which the contract awarding committee awarded to some
foreign contractors for the rehabilitation and
reconstruction of the refinery and the network
pipeline.
The contracts was awarded to the contractors to the
tune of US$70,Million, but we used our positions and
over invoiced the amount to the tune of US$85.5
Million.
Now that the project has been concluded and
contractors are now coming for their payments, we now
required a reliable and trustworthily person, whom
will be use as a sub-contractor and claim the over
invoiced amount of US$15.5 Million, which has also
been approved for payment and use his foreign account
transfer this fund from the paying bank here in
Abidjan, this necessitated my contacting you.
Be informed that my colleagues and I have maped out
all the necessary modalities towards the claim of this
fund, but due to our position we do not want to be
noticed.

Hey, cool! They’re ripping people off for millions of dollars, and they want my help to do it! And, of course, I can trust them …

This is actually rather clever. There are a lot of greedy, stupid people out there. Indeed, greed can make you stupid. By proposing something that only greedy people will find attractive, they run a good chance of getting a stupid person attracted to it, too.

A service of an attorney will be use to secure the
registration certificate as your sisters company here
in Abidjan, it will be back dated enable us reflect your
name as one of the contractors, for board to raise a
payment directive covering the fund in your favour.
The contact of the attorney will be forwarded to you
immediately you notify your interest in this proposal,
by sending the name and address of your company and
your bank particulars.

And all they want is my financial information, how to access my bank account, and I’ll be set! I’ll be rich! And they have attorneys doing this, so it must be legal!

Be informed also that your presence will be needed
here in Abidjan., but if you can not make it?. no
problem.
since we are still in service .

Well, maybe a vacation to the Ivory Coast would be nice. But if I can’t get the days off from that cheat of a boss of mine, I don’t have to. Cool. Boy, won’t the boss be ticked off when I’m filthy rich!

We agreed that 5% of the total fund will be given to
you to cover your travelling cost, accommodation and
some other expenses you might incur during the
process of transfer of the fund. also 10% will be given to you for
your assistance. 40% will be used
to go into joint venture investment with you, which
will be supervised by you, of which the yearly
profit will be shared equally by all parties involved,
while the remaining 45% of the total fund will be for
me and three of my colleagues.

Wow! I’m getting 15% right up front, and then I get to supervise the distribution of the rest! Hmmmm. Maybe I can rip them off for the full $15.5MM! What a bunch of suckers!

Be rest assured of this transaction and keep it
confidential, because of our positions in Government
and also our committee is fully in charge of all
contracts verifications, allocation and approval.

Just in case you were worried, we’re the watchdogs here, so there’s no risk. Trust us.

Expecting your immediate response.
call me on this number 22507955967.
Best Regards.
N’Ngoran.J.

This is all, of course, at best a hoax, and, at worse, a scam. The bottom line is, while visions of millions dance in their heads, folks who fall for this will actually be sending their bank account information. to someone they don’t know (or, worse, someone who, to the extent they know them, is known to be a cheat).

And, of course, if the bank information isn’t enough, there will soon come requests for front money, to enable all the transfers …

It all reminds me of the scene at the begining of The Sting …

For some remarkably similar texts, and some further warnings, see here and here. The latter link has a number of parallel constructions, some of which tug on the heart-strings rather than baser instincts. This page talks in more gory detail about these scams and how they work.

The worst, most enticingly dastardly part of this letter, of course, comes at the end:

______________________________________________________________________
Find, Connect, Date! http://personals.yahoo.ca

Now, talk about scans …

I get spam. Lots of spam. All sorts — virility enhancers, naughty picture sites, stock suggestions, alternative drugs … you name it, somebody wants to sell it to me.

I use Spamcop.net to report it all, so I feel like I’m at least doing something about the problem. And usually that’s the end of it.

But I’ve run across a little bit that was so clever, I had to pass it on. It probably even has applicability on my blog.

Many spam filters look for key words or phrases — parts of the anatomy (or slang terms thereof), activities one does with those parts (or slang terms there of), etc.

But what’s sought after is what’s coded in the e-mail, not what’s displayed. And if you are using HTML mail, then you can code something like:

Fre<!– howdy –>e Por<!– pardner –>n!

On the screen it will read as an offer for Free Porn!, but a spam filter won’t sense it (any more than, hopefully, a web site filter will catch that phrase in my blog) because the <!– –> stuff is treated as a comment — it doesn’t display, but it breaks up the Naughty Words in the code, so it isn’t seen.

I just thought that was rather clever. In a fiendlishly sleazy sort of way. And it potentially lets me put terms up on the screen here that would raise flags going through language filters.

I don’t know how it would affect Google, as another example, but that’s a good question, too.

When computer viruses strike, and pundits begin reciting the economic impact, where do they pull those numbers from? Possibly from thin air.

Michael Erbschloe, vice president of research at Computer Economics, said that the company tabulates virus cleanup and damage costs from information provided by its clients, antiviral applications vendors and systems administrators.
Erbschloe refused to name the specific sources for the data, saying that much of this information is provided off the record.
[…] “Erbschloe says that the company uses valid microeconomic data, but he won’t make it available so that people can analyze and critique it,” said Rob Rosenberger of virus information site vMyths. “Nor will he adequately explain his collection methodology or adequately explain his extrapolation model.”
“When I speak to the press, they openly admit a simple truth — they must turn to Erbschloe for virus damage guesstimates. No one else will prostitute the dollar figures reporters and antivirus vendors so desperately crave.”

Alas, like so many other things in the computer realm (e.g., RoI on the latest hot PC), these sorts of dollar figures seem to be a lot hazier than they sound.

(Via Boing Boing)