Frodo Baggins – War Criminal!

Frodo Baggins is being charged before the International Criminal Court for war crimes.

Both Sauron and Saruman claim that their persecution by Baggins and the Lords of the West is based on their religious beliefs, also clearly in violation of Article 8. With the wanton destruction of the One Ring, Baggins also directly and callously murdered every one of the high priests of the Dark Lord’s religious order, known collectively as the Nazgul. Saruman said that the destruction of the pits and forges of Isengard, where he had genetically-engineered his Fighting Uruk-Hai breed of half-orcs, half-men, was done in blatant disregard for the religious rights of an indigenous people. “All my Uruks wanted was the basic human right to practice their religion and to live with their neighbors in peace,” said Saruman. “But they were forcibly removed from their homes and slaughtered like cattle by the Riders of Rohan. It was, well, completely inhuman.” Saruman then broke down in a touching display of emotion and was tended to by his servant Wormtongue. He refused any further comment.
Baggins was defended in a public statement released by Gandalf the Grey, a well-known right-wing wizard and co-conspirator of Baggins himself. “Frodo made Middle-Earth safe for democracy and now this is how he’s repaid – by facing imprisonment because of a suit brought by the very enemies of freedom! The world’s press is only humiliating themselves by siding with the Servants of the Lidless Eye on this. They have left the path of wisdom.” Gandalf’s statement was published in the National Review and certain fascist online journals, known as “warblogs” to their purveyors and media watchdog groups. The New York Times, Washington Post, San Francisco Chronicle, and most other mainstream newspapers refused to publish the statement, calling it “biased and self-serving propaganda from a known cohort of Mr. Baggins.”

I’d love to quote the whole thing (particularly Elrond’s comments on the charges), but I think I’m pushing Fair Use here. Enjoy.

(Via InstaPundit)