Category: Love & Marriage

Pix from Joe’s wedding back in September.

On the left is me and my brother, John, at the church. John’s the goofy one.
No, the other goofy one.

The other pic has the whole family crew, including my Nona (Mom’s mom), my Mom, and my Dad. John’s the goofy one. No, the goofy one standing up.

Rules for weddings. Accept with a grain of salt.

Many of these rules touch on the obligations of the bride and groom to the guests. There are many folks who maintain that there are no such obligations. I suggest such folks not invite anyone to their wedding. If you expect people to travel, dress up, attend, and (of course) provide gifts, courtesy, if not morality, demands a certain consideration of them. Certainly it is your day. But that doesn’t mean you can be completely and utterly self-centered. Not if you don’t want them talking snarkily about you for days to come.

1. Bride and groom, consider the physiognomy of your attendants when selecting a style for their clothing. This is mostly an issue with bridesmaids, since, fortunately, nearly all men look good in a tux. Not all women look good in all dresses, however, and some styles are particularly cruel unfortunate — particularly when sized too small and when the attendant in question is standing closest to the congregation, back turned.
2. Guests, if the bride and groom and attendants are getting dressed up, perhaps you can, too. Sure, formal clothes are usually uncomfortable clothes. Suck it up.

3. Bride and groom, consider sight lines at your ceremonial site. When you are doing the rehearsal, turn around and look back at where folks will be sitting. The chairs you can’t see because of walls, candelabras, or your attendants will be occupied by folks who cannot, in turn, see you.

4. Guests, when seated someplace, don’t just willy-nilly sit somewhere else, particularly in the church. There may be a good reason why nobody’s sitting there … yet.

5. Preacher, the bride and groom will remember zero of what you preach to them. Keep it short and sweet. You’re just there to facilitate, not to convert.

6. Bride and groom, organization is your friend. You will not be organized, so appoint associates — your Best People, your parents, whoever — to help shepherd things during the ceremony and reception in the direction you decide upon ahead of time (and to adapt plans when things go akilter). The wedding coordinator will take care of most of this (or should) at the ceremony site, but the reception is a different matter. The DJ is not necessarily the best person to do this.

7. Bride and groom, do not, when you can avoid it, keep people waiting, especially when they are, for example, all lined up, waiting for you to walk in the door. Or all lined up, waiting for you to exit the door.

8. Guests, be patient. The marriage couple are functioning at about 20% cognition level, and if nobody’s nudging them in the proper direction in a timely fashion, they are probably not going to be the best of hosts. If you have complaints, save them for the car ride home. Or for your blog.

9. Bride and groom, having someone who can announce what’s coming up next is a keen idea, especially if that’s what’s really coming up next.

10. Guests, be flexible. Weddings are like military operations — all the planning falls apart as soon as the enemy is engaged (or something like that).

11. Bride and groom, avoid admonishments of “Please, no children” on the reception invitation unless you really mean it. If you change your mind, contact folks to let them know.

12. Guests, if you bring children, do not let them distract from the goings-on. Children have tremendous fun at weddings and receptions, and that’s fine. They will also heterodyne wildly out of control if you let them. Don’t.

13. Bride and groom, circulate. If you have not gone anywhere else besides the head table or the dance floor for over half an hour, you are probably doing your guests a disservice. You don’t have to engage in deep conversation; indeed, you should avoid being monopolized. Just a “Thanks for coming” or a “How’s the food?” or “Hi! Nice outfit!” will do, especially if repeated once or twice during the evening. People are there to celebrate your wedding. It would be nice if they got a chance to actually interact with you.

14. Guests, don’t monopolize the bride and groom. If you are in a position to do so, you probably know them well enough that you’ll see them again in the near future. They’re not going to remember anything you tell them, anyway.

15. Bride and groom, consider your audience. If you want more than just your peer group to get out on the dance floor, provide music beyond the range of what just your peer group prefers. Not everyone cares for (or dances to) rap and hip-hop. If that’s all you want to have playing, make sure that there are plenty of other distractions and entertainments, or else see the next point.

16. DJ, you are not nearly as amusing or entertaining as you think you are, particularly in your pranks to embarrass people (admonitions to smear cake all over each other, the typical jocularity regarding the garter removal). The more you sound like a lounge singer (without the singing), the less anyone wants to hear from you.

17. Guests, take the opportunity to dance and mingle and revel when offered. The bride and groom want everyone to have a good time, and even if you are not, you should pretend you are. This is their day, not yours.

18. Bride and groom, four hours is very long for a reception, especially when the entertainment is very age-specific and limited. If you want to do the dance floor thang with all your friends, go through the traditional activities, then, after about 2.5 hours, exit the building with great fanfare, cruise around the block for fifteen minutes so folks can leave, then slip back in. Many people consider it rude to depart before the bride and groom, so they’ll just sit there, stewing, until you formally depart.

All that having been said (and some of it is exagerrated, and some of it is derived from other weddings I’ve been at instead of this one), I was really pleased to be able to attend my step-nephew’s wedding. I did really miss having Margie there (I had forgotten how unutterably depressing weddings can be when you aren’t with the one you love), but it was great visiting with some of the folks I got to visit with. Plus the chapel was fun (an small 1910 Episcopal Church, most of the old decor still intact) and the food was quite decent. And they’re a really nice couple, and I really wish them the best of futures.