Category: Jokes

From the Top5.com Little Fivers “Internet” list, it’s …

The Top 9 Signs You’re Addicted to eBay
9> Every time you go to the grocery store, you offer the cashier one cent more for each item in the cart of the person in front of you.
8> To cut costs, FedEx and UPS are considering relocating their operations centers to your house.
7> Sitting on the floor of your empty apartment, you stare at your fingers and wonder whether they’ll sell better individually or as a matched set.
6> Your spouse is loving and caring but you decided to file for divorce because you need the storage space.
5> You’re the reason they adopted the “No selling your children’s vital organs” policy.
4> You find yourself searching eBay auctions for milk, eggs and bread.
3> When your wife agrees to have sex with you, you become suspicious and ask how many other bidders there were.
2> Just ask your kids, eRay and eFaye.
and the Number 1 Sign You’re Addicted to eBay …

Continue reading “Today’s joke”

“Excuse me, Sir.”

IS THAT YOU AGAIN, MOSES?

“I’m afraid it is, Sir.”

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME, MOSES? MORE COMPUTER PROBLEMS?

“How did you guess?”

I DON’T HAVE TO GUESS, MOSES. REMEMBER?

“Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, MOSES.

“But you already know, Sir. Remember?”

MOSES!

“Sorry, Sir. Well, I, uh, have a question, Sir. You know those ten ‘things’ you sent me via e-mail?”

YOU MEAN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, MOSES?

“That’s it. I was wondering if they’re, um, important.”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘IF THEY ARE IMPORTANT,’ MOSES? OF COURSE THEY’RE IMPORTANT. OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T HAVE SENT THEM TO YOU.

Uh, yeah, well, sorry, Sir, but I, um, lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but, of course, you would see right through that.”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ‘LOST THEM?’ ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU DIDN’T SAVE THEM, MOSES?

“No, Sir. I, um, forgot.”

SAVING IS VERY IMPORTANT MOSES. I’VE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE.

“Yes, I know. Saving. Yes. Well, I was going to save them, but I, uh, forgot, and then I couldn’t find them and … well, I did forward them to some people before I lost them.”

AND DID YOU HEAR BACK FROM ANY OF THEM?

“You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not.’ May he change the words a little bit?”

YES, MOSES, AS LONG AS HE DOES NOT CHANGE THE MEANING.

“And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the ‘Ten Suggestions,’ or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?”

MOSES, I WILL ACT AS THOUGH I DID NOT HEAR THAT.

“I think that means ‘no.’ Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?”

I THINK THE TERM IS ‘SPAMMING,’ MOSES.

“Oh, yeah, right. Well, I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that stuff, per Your orders, Sir, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”

AND WHAT DID HE SAY?

“You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don’t think he might have sent me one of those — err — plagues, and that’s the reason I lost those ten ‘things’, do you?”

THEY ARE NOT PLAGUES. THEY ARE CALLED ‘VIRUSES,’ MOSES.

“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them.”

WE WILL DO IT THE NEW WAY, MOSES, USING COMPUTERS.

“I was afraid you would say that, Sir.”

MOSES, WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO DO IF YOU MESSED UP?

“You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer.”

IT’S A MOUSE, MOSES, NOT A RAT. MOUSE. MOUSE. SO, DID YOU DO THAT?

“No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?”

NO, MOSES.

“One other thing. Why did you not name them ‘frogs’ instead of ‘mice,’ because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”

I DID NOT NAME THEM, MOSES. MAN DID, AND YOU CAN CALL YOURS A FROG IF YOU WANT TO.

“Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers ‘Apple?'”

SAY GOOD NIGHT, MOSES.

“Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten ‘things’ have come back into my e-mail from other people.”

WHICH ONES ARE THEY, MOSES?

“Let me see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image’ and ‘Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor’s wife.’ And something about making your exodus to the burning bush longer, harder, and more exciting …”

*SIGH* TURN OFF THE COMPUTER, MOSES. I’M SENDING YOU ANOTHER SET OF STONE TABLETS.

(via my folks, plus a few tweaks by me)

And I can tell this joke because I’m part Irish (shirt color today notwithstanding):

Paddy is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and, much to his horror, he sees a tree in the middle of the road!
He swerves like mad to avoid it, and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path!
He turns the wheel frantically again, and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later, he hears the sound of a police siren, and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy’s car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road, but he’s only halfway through when the officer stops him in mid-sentence and says …

Continue reading “In honor of St Patrick’s Day”

Morris was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appeared at his table and started decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now Morris got pretty annoyed about this, and went on the offensive.

“How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous — of course I have never taken alcohol myself. It is the drink of the evil one!”

“Then let me buy you a drink. If you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a nun, sit outside this public house drinking?”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know”

The nun reluctantly agreed, so Morris went inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks.” Then he lowered his voice and said to the barman, “And could you put it in a teacup?”

Continue reading “Your joke for today”

Greetings from Silicon Pines Assisted Computing Facility. We know this is a very difficult time for you. We hope this brochure will help you in the decision you face:

Should my Loved One be placed in an Assisted Computing Facility?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one — a parent, a spouse, perhaps even a sibling — is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But naturally you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.

Continue reading “The Hardest Decision of All”

Three men die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” St. Peter says, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.”

The first man thinks a few moments, then fumbles through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicks it on and announces, “It’s a candle.”

“You may pass through the Pearly Gates,” St. Peter tells him.

The second man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys. He shakes them and says, “Listen, they’re bells.”

St. Peter smiles and nods. “You may pass through the Pearly Gates.”

The third man had been searching desperately through his own pockets. Finally, he finds something, grins, and pulls out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looks at the man with a raised eyebrow and asks, “And just what do those symbolize?”

Continue reading “Today’s joke”

O’Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O’Leary had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught O’Leary and said “O’Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”

O’Leary said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, O’Leary, I notice that you didn’t steal Shaunassy’s hat. What changed your mind?”

O’Leary said “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, well, I decided that I didn’t need to steal Shaunassy’s hat.”

Continue reading “Your joke for today”

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3.5. You don’t have a list of phone numbers, because they’re all stored on your cell phone.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

4.5. You forward an e-mail to your wife via your wireless laptop, who is sitting next to you working at her wireless laptop.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

6.5. You work at home, and answer your home phone in a business manner between 8 and 5.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn you’ve been laid off on the 11 o’clock news.

11. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff at your office and are more likely to get long-service awards.

Continue reading “You know you’re living in 2003 when …”

A man’s car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man’s story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound.

The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, “We’re sorry. We can’t tell you about the sound. You’re not a monk.”

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof.

The monks agreed and the man stayed.

Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, “We’re sorry. We can’t tell you about the sound. You’re not a monk.”

By now, the man’s curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly wen t to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk’s face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.

Continue reading “Your joke for today …”

Joke below. Not for those who dislike jokes about computers, gender stereotypes, or French.

Continue reading “Vive la difference!”

Money

It can buy a Bed, but not Sleep.

It can buy a Clock, but not Time.

It can buy you a Book, but not Knowledge.

It can buy you a Position, but not Respect.

It can buy you Medicine, but not Health.

It can buy you Blood, but not Life.

It can buy you Sex, but not Love.

So you see, money isn’t everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as a Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. Cash is fine. You know where I live.

(via my Mom)

Your joke for today.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and “do it” for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he’d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he says he expects to be “pretty busy.”
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down.
Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.”
The boy turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Margie sent this to me, suggesting I might want to consider a career change.

From a correspondent:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. The box and tray for this meal may be provided to another individual, but the food contents must be repurchased in case of such a transfer.

Note that the End User Dinner Agreement also specifies that this dinner is only licensed, not owned. Microsoft reserves the right to demand the return of this dinner at any time, or change requirements as to utensils that may be used with it.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these command lines:

\\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme

Note: If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner so that it looks most attractive.

Note: If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter //ms.good/tryagain\again/again.plz. This process may have to be repeated.

You may also try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold boot. If this doesn’t work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2004. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway. Microsoft is not responsible for any lost food or other damages from your freezer defrosting.

Microsoft is also not responsible for any bugs found in this dinner. Bugs should be reported promptly to Microsoft Dinner Support using the enclosed Non-Disclosure Agreement. Microsoft will, when it thinks the time is right, notify other licensors of these dinners of bugs that have been found.